It seems like everyone is posting the goals and lists post for the new year. I used to do that. I used to make a list. I used to make resolutions. I haven’t done much of that the last few years. Most of my stuff has been big life changes, some on purpose, some unexpected.

Buy a house

Travel

Grad School

Fall in Love

The thought of plotting out a list for the new year isn’t something that rings true for me. It’s like the life list thing. Which is strange because as much as I enjoy a list…just not my deal these days.

What I do think about is the unexpected that awaits us all. The trips, the places we’ll go, the tastes we’ll discover that are around the corner. Seeing friends and family and making memories, that excites me. I know this is the year that I’m going to achieve some goals. Hopefully graduate with the masters degree. Possibly begin the ph.d program…Yet those aren’t the things I’m focused on. I’m meditating on the joy that lies ahead in producing a Listen To Your Mother Show in OKC. I’m excited about what the future holds for my relationship with Mark. I’m giddy at the idea of traveling and seeing people that I love. These are the bright spots for me.

Yeah, I need to get my ass back in gear. I started tracking on my Livestrong App again, and it was nice to see that my lb.’s are down since I last entered information. A goodly amount down. So that’s a win I’m taking.

Yeah, I need to get something figured out about an eye dr. appointment, fresh contacts and glasses.

Yeah, I need to see a dentist and yeah I need to focus on better skincare.

There are multitudes of things to do on the house. Projects both big and small.

But those aren’t the things I’m focused on this year.

This year, I’m focusing on not spreading myself too thin, not trying to please every single person I come across, to live louder, to love harder and to find some balance between the chaos and the normal.

I think it’s time for a new dream wall…after all we go towards those things we think about, and we think about those things we see daily.

 

I’m not quite settled into the new year as of yet. Living in tote bags, between two houses, I feel strung out. Decidedly unsettled. This week, and weekend however, I’m fixing that. I’ll get the house de-Christmas’d.

I’ll get some organizing projects finished.

I’ll get some lazy tv time in. (that hasn’t happened at all this break and it’s driving me nuts)

I’ve got some homework to do in regards to the LTYM show.

I’m ready to get into all of that.

But first I just need to shake this funk. I don’t know if it’s residual from the holiday funk. Or if it’s uncertainty for the future funk. Or if it’s dread for the anniversaries that are barreling my way within the next few months, and the memories that ride along with them. I don’t know if it’s the disconnect I feel with everything…

What I DO know…is sometimes you just need some girlfriend time and a cuppa coffee. Making a plan and seeing it through for some face to face with someone who loves you and that you love in return…someone who can call bullshit on the bullshit and get your head back in the game with a simple “that was blown way out of porportion, just let it go”—the simplicity of the words!

Add coffee.

Add laughter.

All we needed was more time.

Alas…it’s back to work for me.

I’m happy to get my routine back. I’m ready to get excited about the new year.

(and to plug that treadmill back in)

My relationship status on the ole FB has changed…but it’s pending until confirmed by both parties. I guess that’s only fair, right? I mean, how many people could be in a relationship with me in the wide wide web, with just a flick of a keystroke?

Millions. I’m sure it’s millions.

The pending thing got me to thinking though.

Relationships, friendships, friends, family, boyfriends, wives, all of it…all of these relationships are living and breathing things…these connections, these ties…organic, fluid, ever changing…The ones that I’ve been in before…they were always pending something.

Something was always…not quite there…I was always waiting on that one thing…

pending.

None of these relationships come with guarantees. There is no anti-heartbreak-clause in the agreement. It’s just two people, doing the best they can at navigating each new phase, each new day. I think that those relationships that have the most time attached to them are often the ones most easily taken for granted. It’s easy to assume that because they have always been…they always will be.

This past week was one full of stumbles in several relationships, for me personally, and let me tell ya it sucked. I don’t like feeling icky about people that I love. I don’t like people that I love feeling icky about me. I don’t like feeling any of the things I felt last week.

But that’s the nature of the game, isn’t it?

There is work to be done. There is effort to be made. There is forgiveness to ask and when asked, there is no “pending”…forgiveness is given. That’s the way of things. You get up, the bruise heals, the scab starts to itch and you put one foot in front of the other and promise to do better tomorrow and you bless it and let it go.

Sometimes it’s not that easy. Time must be applied.

At the end of the day though, it’s all part of the process. Everyone is susceptible. . . to the good, and to the bad. This life we are living is an all encompassing one.

Looking forward, I hope I can forgive more, and that I need to ask for it less.

I can tell you though, that this relationship I’m in right now? The forgiveness is swift and mighty. It’s a powerful feeling to be in something that has that kind of give and take and communication.

Pending confirmation through a social network is comical really.

We all know I’ve already circled “yes”

 

Last night Mark and I went through the holiday, day by day, and scheduled it all out. His brain needs that kind of parameters, and to some extent, so does mine. I’m saddened, in that his entire 11 day’s off are just booked. Booked. There is very little time for us to just be lazy. Between family and friends, and celebrations, and traditions…I was a little…not stressed…but I felt overextended last night just looking at what we’ve got coming our way.

Trying to organize indoor parties w/o the room of the outside is making me a little nuts, working on our shopping list and getting things wrapped…that doesn’t stress me out at all. I’m enjoying that part. But it’s another thing to be done.

I’ve got some house prepping to do, the guest room that will hold Cindy has been my walk in closet for several months. When I tore it apart to get the mattress topper for Jack and Sarah, I never fully put it back together. Add clean clothes and various sundries and whatnots on top of all that and it becomes clear why the door has been closed for weeks and weeks. I need to haul out the christmas decor containers. The back room is claustrophobic. These things need to happen maybe tonight or tomorrow between shopping.

Our Christmas begins Friday with the arrival of the Arkansas coalition, which moves right into Christmas Adam, Christmas Eve, Christmas, trip to Arkansas (depending on the weather) squeezing in time with Norman people, a gathering of sorts here at the house, our first LTYM director/producer meeting, New Years Eve, New Years..then boom. back to work.

I dont’ know if I’m going to do my New Year’s Day Open House this year. Honestly, Im not motivated to do the work, to spend the money, to do any of it. Not really. But I think it’s because I’m tired and need a break. It’s coming. I know it’s coming.

Grades were posted yesterday.

I no longer have a perfect 4.0. I got a B in Literary Criticism. I’m better with it today than I was yesterday. I told Mark, I just feel like I let everyone down. But I know that’s foolish. I’m fine. One B on my Master’s transcript in a class that historically is known for not giving A’s…I’m okay with that. I needed to learn the lesson about perfection.

It sounds like I’m complaining about the busy…I’m not. I’m ever thankful for friends and family and especially for Mark. Working on our lists, working out our schedules, combining holiday time with his family and mine…it’s a different thing this year but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

A friend of mine yesterday was in the salon. We’ll see him Saturday night at the comic show and he asked,” are you bringing him to get our approval?”

“no. not even close. I could care less if anyone likes him.”

And that’s true. I’m not looking for approval from anyone. It’s nice when it happens, but it’s not a requirement.

This is our time. Our life we’re forging. And it’s fantastic. Tonight we begin to finish our shopping for family and friends. Lists and more lists have been made. I like it.

Hope your Wednesday is good…just a few more days, and everyone gets a break.

I’m not going to write about the shootings.

I’m not going to write about guns and laws and opinions on religion and the bashing that is so prevalent today.

I’m waiting on my final grades. I’m spending time with Mark, and planning time with family and making plans to finish our shopping. I’m looking forward to seeing Talaura and Cindy and hopefully to put together a gathering of friends after Christmas.

I’m sure I’ll have something to say eventually…but for now, I’m going to just enjoy the quiet.

It is done.

All but waiting for the grades, which are due in a week or so.

Done. Finished. Over.

Of course, it’s not real yet. I hit the ground running today with awesome clients, a facial during my lunch hour, more clients, then dinner with my girls after work tonight. I’ve got to get started on Christmas lists, checking off what I still need, begin the wrapping, schedule time with friends, dive into the season fully.

Bills have yet to be paid for the first of the month. YIKES! I know. I’m doing that next…laundry is running, I’ve got to run to the supply store for some stuff for clients before work.

It’s busy.

Just a different kind of busy.

I’ll totally take that.

Finals Today! Woot! Holla! Get Fired UP!

seriously, I just want to get the energy to take a shower, get ready and get to campus for blue books and scantrons before the scheduled time. This afternoon will be spent pouring over notes and critical essays for Lit Crit at 5:30.

I don’t remember wanting something to be over so much in my whole life.

I want another day like yesterday, with sleep. But without the voices telling me “you have stuff you should be doing”

It’s 12/12/12.

Kizz’s show debuts tonight in NYC.

It’s finals for me then I’m finished.

It’s also the 2 month anniversary of this love story that I’m actively participating in.

Two months? It seems impossible. Impossible that it’s only been 8 weeks. It felt like eleven years at two weeks…it’s so great. Every day discovering how much better it is than the previous.

So, for everyone involved Happy 12/12/12! Hope a little magic rubs off on you!

I took a brain break this weekend.

I worked at the salon, laughed and cried with clients, spent time with my Mr. and Michael, ate burn your face off salsa, picked out and decorated my tree, hung lights on the house (really just watched while he did the work) spent time in Norman celebrating his mom’s birthday with his family, spent an amazing night with our friends eating delicious food and being all aglow while we watched Brad and Mark play and sing. (mandolin and guitar, respectively)

It was really a lovely lovely break.

Today I slept.

Seriously, I slept most of the day. I recognize that I’m exhausted. Mentally. So I gave myself the day. Tonight, I’ve got the candles burning, bread making, opted to call a pizza for dinner instead of cook and am back to hitting the books.

Tomorrow at 11am I have my first “final.” It’s really just a continuation of our coursework, with some added opportunity to write for extra points. I’m going early to get blue books, and will probably just stay on campus and work on studying for the Lit Crit final at 5:30.

It’s the time of the semester when I go from stressing over everything to giving myself “The Talk.”

–“it’s okay if you don’t get A’s.”

–“you’ll still get accepted to a program if you don’t have a 4.0”

–“it doesn’t make you a bad student to get a B”

 

It’s anyones guess, really at this point. I’m not stressed. After last week, I don’t think I have any left. I’m tired. I know I need to get to actively finishing my program applications. I think, if someone offered me a full ride with assistantship and the best possible ph.d package…I don’t know if I’d take it. I just…don’t know.

I’ll jump off of that bridge next week.

 

I thought I’d do a Thankful Friday post because….

well if you’ve been reading any Ridiculous this week you know it’s a freakin miracle that I’ve made it to Friday with motor skills and relationships in tact.

I spent about 14 hours working on the paper, 12 of those in the library yesterday. I re-researched. I re-read. I re-organized. I deleted. I added. I cut and pasted. I re-worked and re-wrote and re-thought every single word in what turned into a 20 page paper.

Now. When I rolled into the house about 11pm last night, I knew several things:

a) I actually enjoy this kind of work.

b)my academic “voice” is still not fully formed. I really really struggle with my creative voice. . . and that makes me wonder and question. . .

c)this paper, while I am sure that probably needs revising, especially before I send it with my ph.d applications, and then present it at the conference in February, is for all intents and purposes…finished.  I think, considering where it came from, that it might be good “enough” for the class grade. I’m wary of saying that, but I know that time has run out. I know I’ve done what my professor asked. So at some point, after I do some checking, some polishing, and more double checking, I will have to submit it for a grade.

d)today is the final class session of the semester. all I have to do is take notes to use during our “final” writing session next wednesday.

e)I have a final that I really must study for, Literary Cricisicm. But I’m so not stressed about that right now.

f)I am so thankful that I survived this semester. I have no idea what grades I will get. This is the time where I start talking to myself in terms of “it’s ok if you don’t get A’s”…but seriously. I’m thankful for finishing.

g)I’m so thankful for Mark. For his patience and support.

h) and I am so thankful for YOU. YOU that I haven’t seen in weeks and months. YOU that have been quietly and patiently waiting for me to return to living and not judging or being angry. Your support…well this whole damn thing would have derailed months ago without you.

 

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY THANKFUL FRIDAY ya’ll!