Three more weeks. Two more of the semester, then finals week.

Can you guys believe I’m almost finished with my second semester of This Grad School Thing? How did THAT happen???

This weekend has been a series of great things and blessings.

The majority of my state survived all the tornados this weekend. Woodward got hit pretty hard with injury and 5 deaths. My heart goes out to that town. I’ve got clients who live there…

My house, my neighbors, friends, families’ houses didn’t sustain damage from wind or hail or rain so that’s a huge relief.

I spent time with the family, and though it was hectic (my sis and b-i-l are closing on their new home as I type so their everything is packed and their just chomping at the bit to get moving) and full of coughing (mom’s had that upper respiratory gunk we’ve all fought this year) it’s been nice. I wish I could stay here this week and help paint and move.

I did get a paper written while I was here. Everything that is due this week is written and just needs to be printed and stapled. I also got my reading for tonight finished.

It’s time to get up, get showered and get on the road and I just don’t WANNA!!!!! gah.

How was your weekend?

So it’s been a crammed weekend. Like I do it any other way, right?

What with the tornadic activity all across my state and into others, what with the impending deadlines for papers at school and work yet written, what with the first read through of the Listen To Your Mother Show, and meeting the group of mothers involved, what with being the only non-mother (which was succinctly added to my intro by another), what with living outside the radius of all the activity and goings on with the show, what with feeling desperately awkward and soooooo like the outsider in the company of these talented women…

to borrow from my mother and her mother before that…

My nerves are fucking shot.

Even the cocktail of horse tranqs and  night night juice that my mother gave me before bed didn’t help the sleeping. I kept waking up to check the radar and make sure my tribe hadn’t been blown to bits. I couldn’t get comfortable. I worked on papers or sang some lines from Spring Awakening on loop. I kept playing the read through over and over. Was I defensive? I’m usually good at meeting new people and it seemed just so…stilted. Was it just me or was there that imperceptible shift in the room when my womb activity was announced? Why am I even IN this damned thing anyway???

Kizz told me in no uncertain terms:

Whether or not that shift was real or made up in my scaredy-ass-no-one-will-like-me-mind…THAT is exactly why your story is valid. THAT is why it should be heard.

I’m not the only one marching in this army.

Mothering isn’t exclusive to shoving a body out of your whoo-ha.

I am in awe and immensely grateful to the women in my life who have done it, this raising children thing. I see some of them do it well. I see some of them do it not so great. I look for those women who light up when they see their children. I see the one’s who don’t.

The thing is…maybe my heart will never measure up to loving at the capacity as someone who has birthed, or adopted or raised a family. But I dare any one of them to tell me to my face that I don’t love as much or more because of it. Seriously. I dare you. Try me. I’ve been watching Sons of Anarchy. You decide.

Mothers are everywhere. Every shape. Every color. Every size. Every different name. Friend. Aunt. Teacher. Nurse. Step. Ex-Step. Not ever really a step but considered that anyway. We all love on that scale. We all give on that level.

Those stories are all valid. Those hearts are valid. That love counts.

Thick love.

Isn’t that what we all feel?

Fierce, thick love.

because as Sethe* says, “Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all.”

It’s going to be an amazing show, this Listen To Your Mother gig. The stories are funny and irreverent and moving and heart stomping holy shit I can’t listen to one more word it’s so good—good. I am refreshed with the new day, sitting on this deck looking at the trees listening to the rain. I’m excited and just so honored to get to share the stage with these stories. My insecurities are mine, and seriously when your 4 year old nephew doesn’t tell you goodbye, but instead looks up and says in his most heartfelt and sure voice, “may the force be with you…”

do you really need more affirmation that that?

 

*I'm still in my Beloved phase.

So, we’ve got ourself a three day moderate risk model for the weather. The weather guys are all but guaranteeing that we’ll see tornados, and even suckier, that they will rear their ugly heads at night.

I myself, will be in the Arkansas this weekend. I want to return Sunday, but that will just depend on the weather. Lord knows, the last thing I want is to drive into that storm cell. Everyone has had a good two days of warnings, time to make a plan and prepare. It’s springtime in Oklahoma folks. But after last year, with my second family losing their everything…it’s got an added measure of fear to it.

I’m closing in on the papers. I finished another one last night, then dreamed about it, re-writing it in my dreams until I got up and actually implemented the edits. Oy. But I’m finished with all but discussion and a final for the Southern Women Writers class. That’s a good feeling. I’ve got three more papers, one of which is due Wednesday. Just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming…it’s my mantra.

Today I pack the car, bang some hair, then drive to Tulsa tonight. The Avett Brothers are in town and I’ll be singing away. I’m going to drive on into Arkansas after the concert. It’s only about 2 hours. It’ll be a late arrival, but it’s better than forking over money I dont have for a hotel and driving in tomorrow. Rehearsal for the show is from 1-4. I’m excited to meet the other women. I reached out to the woman who started Listen To Your Mother two years ago. There is an official process for new venues that opens up in the fall. I’m really going to try to push OKC onto this map.

Ok, that’s it from Brokedown Palace. If you’re around here, hunker down this weekend. Have a plan. Stay safe. It’s for real ya’ll.

 

 

It’s not that I have nothing to say…but I have very little that is awesome and good and uplifting.

I have lots of grinching and worry and cranky that derives directly from deadlines and stress.

It’s best not to unleash that beast.

I’m getting things checked off. One at a time. I can’t believe I decided to do a major creative thing that would take up two weekends with driving during the last weeks of the semester, but indeed I did that. This weekend is Avett Brothers in Tulsa Friday night, then on to Arkansas after the concert. Rehearsal on Saturday. I’ll probably come home on Sunday because of homework. I’m excited to see the fam, and to meet the rest of the cast of the show. I hope they let me in the club despite my not being a mother. I can offer zero input on conversations relating to lactation or placenta eating. None. I can only offer gagging noises. So, hopefully they’ll like me.

I did get an extension filed on my taxes. But that has GOT to get figured out and turned in soon.

We find out in about two weeks from today who is awarded tuition-waivers. I applied for one. Wouldn’t that be grand. I have no idea when we find out about TA positions.

I’m reading Beloved. Its a story that after I read and saw the movie, said I never needed to read again. But that was 20something me. Its interesting, the view from here. But thats a whole nuther post.

Happy Tuesday, ya’ll.

 

I awoke last night about 4am, and was either cold, having an allergy attack, or a panic attack. I got up and put on some clothes and another blanket on the bed, took a claritin, sneezed a million times, and went back to bed where my mind raced about deadlines. Taxes are next week, 10 days away. I’ve yet to even begin to deal with mine. I will have a tax bill due, payments to make etc. Im calling my lady today to file an extension. Also, we’re in the MONTH OF APRIL. I knew that. I did. But the fact that it’s the FINAL MONTH OF THE SEMESTER shot right through me. So last night I began counting papers that will be due within the next few weeks. I think I’m up to 5 plus a project/report of some kind. Holy hell.

I moved to the couch, and did fall asleep.Woke up with a neck crick and mind racing once more. We’re supposed to find out today or tomorrow about the TA positions. There are only two available. But enrollment begins Monday, so we need to know if we should enroll in the methods of teach for TA’s class…or not.

Money is making me a little nuts. It’s going to be slim, scarily slim until the next round of student loan monies arrive in August. But everything will work out.

I think last night just was the night for everything to manifest in my panic area and throw a parade. Fire batons included.

Here’s a thing…if any of you have any extra thought energy to throw around, send me some. I’m trying to decide on a thesis subject and committee…and pretty much I’m chasing my tail. I’ve got some variables. I’ve got some thoughts. But there are more negatives and buts than yes’s and absolutes. I know it’ll come…but it needs to get here pretty soon.

 

There’s been a lot of dramatic bullshit swirling around lately. Like a bullshit tornado. Dripping stink and stress all around, steaming surprises at every corner. People are sucking at life.

SUCKING AT LIFE.

The inability for so many to manage their shit is hard for me to comprehend.

This has been swirling around for awhile now, and I’ve been able to just compartmentalize and make excuses. However, yesterday we found out that a friend from high school killed himself the night before. Shot himself on his front porch, found by another one of his friends.

He and I were friends in high school. There was one summer in particular where he and his friend and Gert and I rode around in his Baretta, jamming out to music, listening to tunes, underage drinking cold Coors Light PartyBalls…our names fell alphabetically so that he and I were in line with each other for everything. Assemblies, class nights, senior nights, graduation, class pictures.

At some point, he went off the rails. Drugs. Prison. The whole nine yards. He was not the friend I knew. Yet he was here. He was alive. He survived. And he continued to make horrible choices. Addicts do that. And he was that. Indeed he was that.

But he was alive. Living this life.

And he threw it away.

Talking to SP today about it and about how I’m so pissed. Our Chris doesn’t get to stay and this one? This one just fucking throws it away??? A Tale of Two Chris’…one who didn’t get the time to change the world…and the other who didn’t change and threw his time away.

I’m sideways. I’ve had it up to HERE.

The stress of this, comprised with the actual managing of my own shit has presented itself in some amazing back and neck pain. No sleep last night. None. And who can’t sleep on a fabulously stormy rainy night? This girl.

I’m working from home today. I emailed homework to my professor for class. Home.  Homework, organizing, writing and reading.

And a massage this afternoon.

Hopefully it helps.

 

I do believe I’m ready for my boarder to arrive tonight. Floors are mopped, beds are clean and made, towels and wash cloths are clean and in the cabinet. I feel relieved. Now, I’ve got to use the remaining hours before class to clamor around reading and studying for tonight’s test.

I had an amazing weekend. Weekend in the sense that it landed there on the calendar. I was swamped the whole time with work and bartending and seeing my friends kid in a musical and choir practice. It was full, but full of laughter and joy.

I wish I could cut out the scene yesterday during the Footloose musical, where Willard in all his beautiful, sweet shiny voiced glory comes onstage…and Michael and I just lost it. We were holding hands, wiping tears…this kid was delightful. Magical. I wish I could cut that out, and add it to the parts where Riley was her shining star-self, and put that in your dvd players today.

It would start your week out with nothing less than joy abounding.

 

it seems like most of the time I use this space as my list of things to do. but it helps me get clear, and see what’s been accomplished and what’s waiting.

my time is quickly running out. I’ve got three rooms, little ones, to get clean before my border arrives tomorrow. I’ve got a huge test that I haven’t studied for yet. But the kitchen is in progress of being clean, the dishes are going, I skipped church today and when I woke up at 7am I decided to get up, feed the cats and go back to bed. My body is tired, exhausted. So…I’m working on it. On all of it.

This afternoon, I’m going to watch Riley in her performance of Footloose. Which will just be fun. Then Trish is going to take some photos for me to use as a headshot for the show that’s coming up. Then back home to do the last bits of cleaning, write a bio for the show and studying. Choir practice at 7pm.

thing is? i could stay on this couch, sipping my chickory coffee with the breeze blowing through the house…I could stay here all dang day.

What’s on your list today?

I shampooed the carpets yesterday at Brokedown Palace. I’ve got the guestroom and floors for kitchen and bath to clean and then I will be ready to welcome my boarder on Monday.

I’ve spoken with her on the phone. I think this is going to be a nice little 8 week thing. She’s got a place that’s NOT an expensive hotel to use as a base and I’ll get my treadmill paid for!

I had no appointments yesterday, so after I finished class I came home and got to work. Worked up a sweat as a matter of fact. Then I got on the treadmill for awhile. I’m ready to work my strength back up. Ready for my legs to not cramp up after 20 minutes. It’ll happen. I’ve started watching Rescue Me while I walk…mmmmmm such a good show. I think it started when my life was exploding about 6 or so years ago, so I missed it completely. I love it. Dennis Leary…who the hell knew???

Today I have clients. HUZZUAH. Blessed for that.

Tonight I have nothing. So, cleaning the rest of the house and studying. I’ve got a big ole test on Monday. I’ve got reading to do. Lot’s of both. Tomorrow is work, and bartending. Sunday, I’m going to meet the NEWLY RETIRED M’Lynn at church, then head to Norman to see Rileygirl in her musical Footloose, Trish has offered to take some headshots for me to use in the upcoming show. I’m going to choir practice with Bonusmom Sunday night so that I can sing with her in the choir on Easter Sunday. Can you believe it’s already here????

I’m gearing up for a busy week. I don’t really have weekends anymore. The Dutchess would be so pleased.

What’s your’s look like?