*title in reference to the Last Time I Flew To See My Tribe

I’m packed. I have the clothes. I have the hair stuffs for with to make the pretty pretty. I have the shiny shiny for with the make the blog/facebook posts. I have the camera for with to show you how fun and cute we are after ten years. I have reading material. I dare not to take any David Sedaris, but I’m into the Outlander series and my friend/client brought me the next two meaty meaty books so will take that and a few scripts to peruse. I bought a winter hat and gloves and packed my coat. The trash is taken out. The fridge is void of prospective funk. I’ve got people caring for the cats.

I think it’s time to fly. Chicago here I come!

I’m looking forward to some fabulous stories…though I cannot IMAGINE a world in which I could experience another travel day like the one above. But you can bet your bippy that if I have a day that tries yet again to eat me…it’s going to get a mouthful.

Packing this morning, a brand new day. have skipped the gym, will try to hit it a bit tonight…or not. I’ve got a few loads of laundry yet to do, then tonight it’s all about putting the bag together, getting the electronics taken care of, chargers and power cords packed. Trying to keep the cats out of the suitcase and give them sufficient love to carry them thru the weekend without me.

Today, I’m hoping for a miracle with my book. Hoping to be so full of clients that I make good tips to carry me thru the weekend. Crossing fingers. WOO HOOOOO!!!

Home tonight to get everything just right before I leave. trash out. fridge, clean. laundry finished. beds made. everything in order…so I can come home to bliss.

What’s on your plate today?

This day has been a mixed blessing.

My book filled right up with clients, thankfully. It was good. And fun. and I am grateful for that. all of it.

WIN!

I’ve had some struggles today, trying to find my PLACE with this. This ending of a relationship. I think that everyone needs to do their very best to understand that I am sad. I am sad that the dream didn’t come true. There is disappointment in every space of my mind, between each thought. I enjoyed thinking about picket fences and counter tops and little league and cupcakes and living in the same zip code as my best friend again. Living out my life back in Canadian County. But it’s not going to happen on this particular ride. He and I are both disappointed. But wanting it just isn’t enough. Wanting just IS NOT enough. If it were, I’d be in Lake Como with George and you could all suck it.

I think we, he and I, deserve nay, DEMAND respect for recognizing and getting out before we dove head first into a mistake. I’ve done that before. I have walked down the aisle all tulled up like a cake topper knowing that I couldn’t see forever at the end of the walk. That will never happen again. I don’t care how good it looks on paper and I don’t care how sad you are about it and I don’t care what dreams of yours I shatter. Bare in mind? I’m shattering mine too.

But the thing with dreams? sometimes they come true.

Keep watching.

I’ll SHOW you.

I had a title for a post in my head this morning, while I was at the gym. Yep. Up and at the gym at 5:45. Oy with the mornings already! But I’m enjoying it. I went yesterday and got myself set up online to track food and activity. I’m not working WITH a trainer, one on one, because I cannot afford it. The only way I’m affording this gym membership is because the dude gives us a cheap discount for being across the street and talking up his business. I really really really want to get some training hours with my guy, maybe after the first of the year.

I’m worried about money. Pickins are slim. I paid my mortgage today, and there is little to spare. I’ve got my other bills laying here, and I’m not working thurs/fri/sat this week. I’m just hoping that today and tomorrow bring some good business and good tips. I hope that next week is packed and profitable. I need to keep my head clear and not get crazy…easier said than done, though eh?

I’m super excited about the trip. I’ve got laundry and organizing tonight. I’ve got a face to face with the former boyfriend to exchange stuff. clothes. house keys. etc. hopefully that will be quick and painless and I can get some packing done tonight. So excited to see the faces of these people…just can’t tell you how much.

Ok my dear readers. I’m off of here. Prepping food for lunch, jumping in the shower, more coffee. you know the routine.
Happy Happy Happy Day.

There’s been a change over here at the Circus. The Mistress of Ceremonies is single. Again.

and without spilling guts all over the interwebs, things are fine. This was a good move. Mutual and dignified. I’ve since seen a few bits that are flipping my bitch switch, so it really affirms that this is the right thing.

I am sad. This had great potential. Fast and furious and full of light and love and laughter. I don’t know what disappeared first, but he had been wanting out for sometime now.

So we will learn from this. Know that we gave a really good effort. Walk away friends and go from there.

This is what I know:

Relationships come out of left field. Keep your eyes open.
Those little voices in your head become louder if you ignore them.
The same rule applies to relationships.
Communication is a requirement that is non-nogotiatable for me.
Honesty is the same thing.
Laughter can fix a lot. If both are laughing.

Life is good my friends. It is. I will be fine. This looked soooo good on paper, it sucks that it didn’t work in reality. But something else is coming around the bend. Let’s keep our hearts open for it!

I’m heading outside to rake leaves. It’s gorgeous here and I need to soak up some sun! meanwhile, I love you. and I love George Clooney.

It’s here! It’s Here!

NaBlaPoMo!

National Blog Posting Month. Post at least once a day for an entire month.

wow. how is it NOVEMBER already??? Stupid fast. This year has just been stupid fast.

I’ve had a great weekend, full of fun as is the way I roll. I loved that extra hour this morning…it felt soooooooo good to realize I didn’t have to get up and work this morning. I didn’t have to do anything but snuggle with Sammy, who is SOOOOO loving these days. I’m going to miss them when I leave in a few days.

Ok. I have much to write about that has substance, but I have to shower, eat, shop for two baby showers and a 2 yr old birthday party today. Go to one shower and one birthday. so I will leave you with some photos of the party I went to last night.

I love my classmates. I love that we continue to get together and enjoy each other. I just love us!!! It was a great party!

Let me say to you. To those of you in the know. And those of you out of it. Let me just say to you that this relationship of mine?

it’s fucking hard.
and i am doing the best I can to make the right choices.
i have enough voices in my head. yours. mine. Meme’s and Papa’s. the cats. the ghosts of choices past. the spirits of lessons learned. WE ALL LIVE IN HERE and everyone needs to just shut the fuck up for about FIVE MINUTES so that I can think.

I am not pushing out this man just for selfish reasons. I am not staying busy and forcing his hand on social engagements.
I am not doing only what I want only when I want to serve only my purpose. Let’s not forget that the month of October? it always holds Fall Fest. RFTC. Gert’s Bday. Halloween. these things were there long before a boyfriend. Let’s not forget I’ve been working two jobs. That takes place on the weekends. Let’s not forget, that sometimes shit just happens and because we were raised in a certain way, we honor our obligations.

let’s not forget that I chose purposefully not to divulge details here that were sacred, so do me the honor of KNOWING that I’m not an idiot. would you please?

I’m worn out.

My heart and my head have been playing battleship for the last forty eight hours.
I have done NOTHING but pray. And PS. that’s not something I only do when life is shitty. So don’t talk down to me or suggest otherwise.
I have prayed. I have sought counsel with those I trust. My family. My friends. I have thrown nothing but love and light into this dark corner of my life. I am breathing thru this. I am not making rash decisions. you know why?

because I’m almost forty years old and guess what? I’ve learned a thing or two while my gypsy soul has come down this road.

I’ve learned that life is a blessed gift.
I’ve learned that miles don’t equal distance of the heart.
I’ve learned that love comes in many forms.
I’ve learned that family does the same.
I’ve learned that honest words are priceless.
I’ve learned that they are also mandatory.
I’ve learned that pain will heal.
I’ve learned that pillow cases will dry.
I’ve learned that joy is found in laughter.
I’ve learned that laughter can be seen in just about every corner.
In my life anyway.

So folks. I got this. I do. I’m not going Mariah on you and spilling the drivel and coating myself in glitter while streaking naked in the walmarks. I actually unclogged my kitchen sink tonight. made homemade dinner. worked out at the gym. helped a friend get some hot water for to wash her hair. . .

I’m breathing. and I’m throwing love at all of it. And all of you. Thanks for sifting thru my emotional wasteland. If you’ve made it this far without hitting that arrow button up there, well. Thank you.

I got this.

the relationship will be what it will be.
My heart, whatever the outcome, will be fine. It’s been held in your hands time and time again…so even if I drop it I know you’ve got me safe and sound. And I know, that no matter what my life holds, you will be there. Supporting. Loving. I know that. I’m going to bed. I have a 5:45 gym call tomorrow.

look at me go.

Today I’m hanging on by my nails. I have two appointments. My day is bare bones. I’m struggling with some decisions that need to be made. I feel fat and gross and want to start working out. I am tired from the month.

HOWEVER!!!!!

some things I love are:

Cletus. and the carvings that commenced when Elephantsoap and Numskullery came over and made me dinner and laughed and cried at Biggest Loser. I love my friends. Lookie at what she carved…awwww!
BEHOLD: CLETUS!

Modern Family. If you arent watching this you’re missing out. There isn’t much that makes me laugh right out loud on a thursday morning at 5:45. But last night’s ep sure did. it sure did. Set the DVR. Go to Hulu and catch up. It’s worth the time.

Travel. I leave one week from today. I cannot possibly wait. We, these people and I, will turn back time. Im betting there is chocolate. and Laughter and Tears. and Singing. Just like it should be.

today, that is what I love.
that, and you. I love that and you and him. i sure do love him.

dont have a whole lot of time before boyfriend arrives. we’re having yet another talk tonight. seems this relationship thing is kind of a bitch for both sides. no one fret. all is good. but I’m runnong on sparse alone time…so am trying to guzzle *BURN* down some egg drop soup that should still be boiling and watching a bit of my Thunder play some bball! Cant believe it’s started again! Woo Hoo!!!

Today was a good day at work.
Tomorrow I’m open from 9-7 with two appointments and my day starting at 5pm.

fuckadoodledoo.

this is what I want to say to you…it’s shitty everywhere. It just is. There is a lot of funk floating amongst us, all of us. take a minute to realize that you’re not alone. that we WILL survive whatever this is, and that tomorrow is fresh and new.

I’m holding on to that.

and now, back to my scalding soup.

I’ve been so social this month I feel like my last name should be Rockefeller or Trump or something else fancy schmancy. Running around. New relationship. Juggling jobs and money. This week, I’ve got not a whole lot during the week. I’m going to use the time to relax, keep my house chores up to date and focus on the things I am so grateful for. Here’s ten of them:

1. My health. I am so grateful to be healthy. After the UTI scare that lasted two weeks last month, and the no insurance, and the money spent which put me behind on other things and people that I owe money to, and the relatively impossible future of any insurance in the hands of our government…I’m just happy to be healthy. Taking care of myself. Lots of good foods, vitamins, water, rest, peace.

2. My Family, though not close in miles, always at the ready when I need them. Wonderboy and Wonderbabys stories cheer me right up! Wonderboy is over Halloween. Thinks it’s stupid. He needed to dress up for his Cub Scout party and his response, “how’s about I just go as a cub scout?” priceless.

3. My Tribe. I had people over Saturday night and while we’re all from different places and know and do different things it’s just hysterical to see us all glommed together. So much fun. So much love. So much life. It is brilliant and I am blessed to be a part of it. Tonight, carving pumpkins and having dinner with Elephantsoap and Numskullery. Nice nice nice.

4. Facebook. I know, you’re rolling your eyes but wait. Via facebook, I have reconnected with so many people. Via facebook I got our U2 tickets and opened the gateway to a perfect 24 hours with my best friend. Facebook provided the Theatre Kids to reconnect and plan our reunion that I will leave for in about 9 days. Facebok has brought me clients and provided opportunities…I say God Bless Facebook.

5. The Internet. Without my emails with Gert every other day or so I would be so sad. Life is crazy busy and our email conversations are the lifelink that is necessary to get from one weekend to the next.

6. My Job. I love my job. I’m worried sick about my job, just because my clients seem to have disappeared. I think my last pay raise is the impetus for this but no way to be certain. I’m just praying for clients, for new ones, for old ones to return. Praying for sustainability. Meanwhile, I love my job. I love who I work with. I love how we all support each other and feel like a family. That is a blessing.

7. My house. It’s warm. It’s cosy. It houses my friends and family when it needs to. I can afford it still. The backyard alone is the scene for so many memories and nights of laughter! The fire pit I got for Christmas last year served as the centerpiece for Smores & Whores and is just fabulous!

8. This Season. It’s my favorite. From about OU/TX game thru New Years Eve. It’s my favorite time. my Power time. My season. I love the air. I love the smells. I love the football and the fires and the parties and the faces that come through my life at this time of year. the holidays…the hectic, the parties, the crazy…I love it. all of it.

9. this computer. I love this computer. I know it’s a Thing. but I love it. I am so grateful for it, and for my ability to use it. I still don’t have it completely down. My email isn’t set up properly. There are things I need to learn about it. But I’m getting there. I am.

10. My new relationship. . . it’s been interesting, the newness yet familiar settled feel that it has brought to my life. Trepidation yet full force. Discovery. all of it. I’m grateful.