I’ve been disappointed this weekend.

On many levels.

People have disappointed me, new people, old people, football people, tv people…disappointed.

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt this way. It doesn’t mesh well inside of me. I don’t like it. It’s prickly and pokey and generally unpleasant.

I told my PseudoSis that at 21 a weekend like that would have put me down for 2 weeks with binging and purging.

At 40, it just means I’ll buy a Paula Deen poundcake from Walmarks, be generally bitchy for about 72 hours, then start to write about it and file it away.

Her response was, “Yes, there’s something to be said about maturity. . . and a little cake never hurts.”

I’ve given myself until 2pm class time this afternoon to dwell. Then it’s back in the saddle. This horse and pony show isn’t canceling due to disappointment.

Giddyup Ya’ll.

There is a moment, in the HBO movie Grey Gardens, where Little Edie says to Jackie Kennedy…”it could have been me…it SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME…”

The moment ends on an upnote, with a little promise and a little snicker between Big Edie and Little Edie…but there is a truth to that line, resonating with such…grief over what should have been, what her life Could have been…

It breaks my heart every time I watch this story. Every single time.

Yes, it’s an amazing story, parts of it crack me up, but mostly I am struck by these lives that were once so full of promise and energy…and you see where they’ve gone…

It’s frightening, really. And a reminder that it goes by all too fast. And if one just sits around wanting, and never doing…poof! You’ve missed it. You’ve missed it and it’s too late.

So. What are you doing today…TODAY…that is moving you forward?

Remember?

Forward Motion.

Just one car length ahead, a mile or two faster to get you to your destination.

Are you sitting around making plans and making lists and talking about trips and new adventures…

Or are you doing?

Little Edie’s life scares the crap out of me. It’s so easy to get stuck in blame, and shame and guilt. It’s so easy to take the…well…easy way out. And while these women are full of determination and strength…it seems they are stuck in their glory days. They are stuck.

Big Edie scares the crap outta me just because. Batshitwoman sitting in bed cooking some corn on the cob on a hotplate…Lawd.

Have a blessed day, ya’ll.

DO SOMETHING.

 

I slept last night. Granted, it was drug induced but whatever. It was great sleep and I woke up for some coffee and a really nice bike ride, home to eat some posole and watch a little tv and relax.

There’s a cool breeze blowing through the house.

Healing.

I’m starting to watch the PBS Sherlock Holmes. SH always reminds me of Clemo and his love for it. I have to say, I dig it. It’s a great show.

I scheduled someone from Lowes to come out and estimate new windows. I can’t do anything right now…unless it’s just stupid affordable. I have no idea how much it will cost. Monday at 10:30 we’ll have that answer!

I’ve a few cuts tonight at work. I’ve a few errands to run. But I feel good. Rejuvinted. Alive. Happy.

Not bad for a Humpday.

I finally fell asleep around 6am today

Literally tossed and turned

all.

night.

long.

No I didn’t take a pill beforehand. I worked my arse off all day long so I figured it wouldn’t be necessary

One of my FB friends said it’s a symptom of premenopause.

Which just kind of pissed me off.

I am only 40 damnit.

But if I don’t start sleeping I’ll be looking every single year of it.

I’ve done everything from Melatonin to Ambien, to meditation to voodoo. The one thing that always worked on me was Lunesta…but those are like 100 bucks a pill.

Because they are MAGIC PILLS. And apparently magic is expensive.

Happy back to our normally scheduled week. I’m going to shower and get to class.

GAH.

How’s your weekend thus far?

As expected, our weather broke here in The Plains and the mild 80’s have been rejuvinating to body, mind and soul.

All of those “things” that have been killing my psyche around the house, piles, and floors, and cobwebs and sheets and closets…well. I haven’t made it to the closets yet. But I can breathe deeply in my home again. I went to Sams yesterday and stocked up on enough sundries to last (maybe) this semester. Toilet paper, Paper towels, cleaning supplies, laundry soaps etc. It feels good to have that in stock now, too. Feels good.

So, I haven’t gone on a bike ride, yet, but I have done the things needed in order to move forward with some clarity. My desk is here…did I tell you that Lynn found me a 20 dollar desk at the Habitat for Hummanity, bought it, loaded and delivered it last week??? It’s perfect. Except I cant get the top to attach. So I’m working on that. I’m ready to get that room in order…it’s coming together. I haven’t stopped for anything today but to gulp some soup for lunch. I’m tired.

Friday night I got together with some of the YaYa’s and Macie. As usual…it was a good time. It can get a little out of hand, and in hindsight it always seems to when we’re all together but that’s just what happens. Saturday night…Oh yeah. Saturday I went to Melisha’s house to watch the OU game. Just a small gathering. Work friends. It felt so good to have football on tv and eat great food and drink some beers. We sat outside when the cold front and rain moved through and just giggled and laughed, all four of us! It was bliss. I got home late and kind of felt like damnit all yesterday, but worked a wedding last night and then home for some great sleep.

I admit, I miss being in class, but having today off is just the break I needed. I’ve got a few more things on my list so I need to giddyup. Hope your labor day is less labor and more of a day!

Taking a note from Cindy over at Elephantsoap…I thought I’d do a Thankful Friday entry.

The past two weeks have been fraught with great gulps of new and scary and exciting and adjusting and compromise. It’s been…a lot. And right up my ally. Anyone of you that know me, and know how I live my life cannot possibly be surprised by that. I get the same bunched-up-ness over change and leaps in life as everyone else does, but man oh man. I do get joy from it too.

After two weeks of juggling, here’s how the balls stand.

I’m failing one hundred percent on the homefront. I’ve paid some bills, and will pay the rest of my first of the month stuff this weekend. I need deep cleaning, and mopping, and and dusting and folding of laundry and mowing and weedeating and getting things cleared out in the garage before winter.

I’m failing about 80 percent on eating and exercising. I haven’t been on a bike ride since the first day of school two weeks ago. I’m tired when I come home so even though i DO have healthy foods, chicken, fish, veggies, in the house, I could give less of a shit about it. God Bless the 3.99 Little Caesers Monday pizza.

I’m succeeding elsewhere. I’m managing work. My clients are sparse right now, but they’d be sparse whether or not I was in grad school because it is the Dread Month September. Where all businesses go to die. It’ll pick back up. It will.

School is going well. The second week was less over/underwhelming. I think I really would drop my YA Lit class, but I’ve already read all of the books and since my goal is a 4 point grade average…might as well stick it out. I can feel my brain firing differently, growing and learning to juggle the life and the work. I can feel it creaking and groaning and waking up in order to draw connections on the symbolism and running themes in the literature that I’m reading.

I am thankful for that. I’m thankful that I have clients on my book and that I’ve made a friend in one class. I’m thankful that I have student loan money to help me live. I am so so so thankful for the break in the weather that’s in the forecast…Our state, my city, has been on fire for 3 days now. Homes and churches and businesses and animals…lost. It’s been a brutal brutal summer. But come Sunday and throughout next week, our highs are in the 80’s and morning lows in the 50’s. I’m so thankful for that I could cry.

I’m thankful for a long weekend. I’ll be working a wedding on Sunday, but I’m thankful for the extra money I’ll make that will support my last concert weekend of the year.

I’m thankful for the beginning of FOOTBALL! It’s a way of life in my state…and the people here are frothy around the mouth in anticipation. I’m one of them. I’ve got my OU shirt already laying out on my bed for today. My Colts open next weekend…canna wait.

Most of all, I’m thankful for you. For your support. For your comments. For your emails and texts. Checking on me, sending me links to articles and software and stories to read. I couldn’t get through it without you.

I hope to get some rest this weekend. To get on my bike and get some clarity of the mind through exercise. To knock a few things off of my house work to do list. And to get through my homework that’s due. I hope to have a little facetime with friends and just enjoy it.

Thankful Friday, indeed.

 

Well, I got to class today and had a panic attack. Apparently, from my previous week’s notes, I was supposed to write a one page summery over the book. Welp. I didn’t do that. So in the 15 minutes before class, I whipped it out.

Turns out, that was not what we needed a one page paper over. We needed a one page paper over the “Researcher Role” –I did that. But I thought it was just a few bits of information about the subject we picked from the book. I picked “Yankee Doodle” and I wrote about a half a page of info as it pertained to the book.

When I explained to the teacher that it wasn’t a full page, that I’d misunderstood, that I had written a summery of the book, bla bla bla, she said, “Oh I’m not even going to read them anyway. It just counts that you did it.”

well fucking fuck.

I have to tell you, if I hadn’t already read all the books save one, and I didn’t think I could crank out an A in this class I would probably drop it. But we’ll see. We’ll see.

My research class? I get there, and we all have to pass out copies of the one page paper we did last week, and get in front of class and present it. Mine was just…not much. Everyone’s page was chock full. We were given specific fonts and spacing to use, but apparently I need to correct my margins because seriously. . . it was like 4 sentences. But because we were only allowed 2 paragraphs, the material that was there was the best of the best. I spent the first half of the class being really self critical and feeling stupid and vulnerable.

At the break, several of us began talking, and there were two other girls in their first semester of grad school with the same googly eyed look and I realized we’re all just doing what we can. Figuring it out. We’re all just trying to get through it and perhaps we’re making it up as we go.

I got up and presented my paper and made a little comment on my margins and gave a witty quip to a snarky remark from the penut gallery and voila! I was finished! I felt ok. I had some contact with the professor. He’s freakin brilliant, ya’ll. And he makes very little eye contact with us and that can be disconcerting . Anyways, we had some banter and after class I approached him about the book I want to use for our big giant ass 20 page research paper and he approved it. YAY.

I think this class that I dreaded the most may turn into one of my favorites.

It wasn’t an easy ride today. But it wasn’t the worst either.

I have to tell you, I wish I was hunkered down with Kizz and Chrome in NYC this weekend. It looks like they’re going to be a-ok, but with a rain induced lazy weekend. What I wouldn’t give to have a weekend in my house with some steady rain outside. I would love. love. love that.

I played bartender last night for the first time in about 5 weeks. The wedding was big, and the kids were all just out of college. You could tell this was one of the first couples to get married. Young 20’s, looking for jobs, very little money to spend, frat boy packs, cute girls looking at the festivities longingly. We worked hard for the little money that we made, but you know what? It’s Sunday, and I have a little more money in my pocket than I did yesterday morning. I’m ok with that.

I’ve got reading to do today. I have to take some champagne over to a friends jewelry party then I’m coming back home to do my own version of hunkering down and finish Johnny Tremain and begin some Virginia Woolf. I’ve started searching for a book to do my 20 page paper over in my research class…I really think I can do my Zora Neal Hurston. I think there’s enough information out there…and I’m passionate about the story and the author so that will help.

I haven’t been on a bike ride all week. I feel gross about that but am trying to be easy on myself mentally. This week’s downtime was spent gorging on the entire season of Friday Night Lights. I am one hundred percent in love with this show. I have nothing bad to say about any of it. I am in love with the characters and the lessons and the family and community. It strikes a chord in my own heart regarding growing up in a small town, being a teenager, learning the lessons, having the experiences. I feel like I owe each person involved a letter of apology for not watching it when it was on the air. If you have the kind of life that involves great tv? I beg of you, put it on the list. I cannot imagine anyone being disappointed by what you see.

Kizz and I are in love with #33. I also have a great place in my heart for Landry Clark. Ohhhhh Landry. I want to have a marriage like Eric and Tammy Taylor. And I’d like to talk to whoever cast little GracieBelle Taylor because that was…well. That child needs bangs.

I probably should have saved this for mid-terms.

 

 

 

 

I’ve had a total of 3 clients this week. That includes the one today.

It makes me gag.

But I’m working with the idea that the Universe is giving me a buy week since I had classes begin.

I do have some clients tomorrow and I know next week will be better.

I’ve finished homework for two classes and just have the last half of a book to finish for my other one. I’ve started searching for a book to do my big research paper over in Bib and Methods…I think I can do Their Eyes Were Watching God. (my second favorite book)  I’ve signed up to lead the first half of discussion for To Kill A Mockingbird when it comes up. I think I’m doing things ok, if not better than ok this week.

The house is clean. enough. I’m doing laundry and trying to stay ahead of the game there. I’ve got a bartending shift tomorrow night so that’ll be nice.

That’s about it. Head is still above water. Still paddling. Still breathing.