In my ponderings for my future, I’ve wondered aloud and silently…am I too old?

Now, hear me out. I know it’s never too late. I know that age is just a number. I absolutely believe that education is there for anyone at any time…leap and grab that opportunity! One hundred percent I support and believe all of that.

My point was…I’m 40 years old. This track, this Masters then perhaps Doctorate track..that’s a long time to invest into another career. Should I, realistically, look at another avenue, in order to have the life I want sometime before I’m 80 years old. Is it irresponsible to just want to do this, when I maybe should look somewhere else for money/benefits/stablility that will pay off earlier than this grad school thing. (Thats what I’m calling it. This Grad School Thing.)

Whit left a comment yesterday, that got me to thinking about how we perceive ourselves…in my mind? I’ve never really left academia. But there are many many people in my life today who only know me via banging hair. Some don’t even know I have my degree at all. I mean, why would someone work all that time for a B.A. and then just go be a hair stylist? Right? Don’t laugh. I’ve had women in my chair ask me just exactly that, disdain dripping from their voice, razor blades in their tone.

But we are continiously reinventing ourselves. Madonna taught us how well that pays off…seriously. I still love her. We are always moving forward, trying to figure it out. Do more. Be better. Just trying to figure it out.

So, I no longer wonder if I’m too old to do This Grad School Thing…now I wonder when I’ll figure out how to pay for it and just jump in. I’m ready to peel back this layer and find the new, fresh, pink.

**Hazel Soares Image Credit and Story

Have you ever had a teensy tiny thought trickle into your brain? More importantly, while your brain is made up of mostly ice cold Stella Artrois and laughter, and beautiful words flowing back and forth with people that you love and your barriers and negative voices are down and out…that teensy tiny thought trickles in and plants itself. Tucks itself away behind the dirty jokes and the biscuits and gravy and just….sits.

Every day it digs in deeper and deeper. Past all the “what if’s”. Pushes through all of the “there’s no way’s” . Streaks naked through the “You Can’t’s” and flips off the “You’re Too Old’s” and finally reaches the finish line…high fives all around from the “We’ve been waiting on you’s” and “You CAN’s”

Welp.

I’m somewhere between the there’s no way’s and the high fives.

This grad school thing? It’s running. It’s something that hasn’t left my head or my heart since it snuck in. I’m seeking counsel from those who know me, who’ve been down this path before me. There’s more to seek. More information to gather. I still have more unanswered scary “there’s no way’s” doing synchronized swimming in my brain than I have the peppy cheery “this is how you’ll pay for it’s”…but we’re making forward progress.

There are lots of things I can do that would be easier than this. Any of the big oil and gas companies…the Big C here in town…any of that would reap muy benefits, and a steady income. But I haven’t moved forward on any of that. It’d be easy to go get a “grown up job”—so why am I sitting here with this beautiful morning outside, crying because I’ve just read words of encouragement from my true mentors? The thought of being back in my world of academia, of being around like minded and like hearted people, of eventually going to work and talking about A.E. Houseman and Joseph Campbellforcryingoutloud…

I got into hair because I wanted money. And I wanted to work in a place where there was teamwork and support and laughter. And I wanted to have the freedom to come and go as I choose. And the most important…because I loved talking to people. I love making people feel good…letting them see themselves in a new light.

Isn’t that what great literature and art does for us all?

I’ve got a lot of work to do until we turn this bitty piece of sand into something wearable…but I thought you’d like to know where I’m headed with it.

 

 

 

 

Lot’s of jumbled up bits in my head. I thought I would just purge here, in no particular order.

This past week was a flop in the working out/eating department. I’m not even going to weigh in tomorrow. And don’t get crazy, I’ll be back on the wagon, but I’d rather get some hours and work at Job 2 all day, some of the day, whatever the family situation permits…

I am giving serious thought—and by serious, I mean SOME because before Wednesday, I wasn’t even considering the possibility—of applying to grad school. Get my Masters. Perhaps my Ph.d. English with a focus on British Lit. Find a fabulous little college and teach….I have no idea how to do it. where to look. I have no idea about money, or bills or financial aid. I have no idea if I can sell my house for more than I paid for it. I have no idea about any of it. But…this situation is so very close to when I chose to quit working and move to Chickasha and go to school full time. It was just a phrase uttered by a random girl…and it marinated in my brain…and became. I don’t know if this is anything. If it will become anything. I don’t know if I’m too old to strike out on this adventure, or if I’m able to even begin it. . . But it’s in my brain…and taking up a LOT of space.

My friend Tara, who lost her mother last week? Lost her grandmother today. Seriously.

I didn’t go to church today. I played with my nephews and my friends children all afternoon into the evening with the party culminating with Wonderboy and Wonderbaby outside, howling at that amazing moon with their Aunt Misti. No. Really. We howled at the moon. Wonderboy, did it grudgingly, muttering “you’re not right” under his breath as he walked away. But Wonderbaby? He howled his most tiniest fiercest howl. It rocked. My point, and I do have one, is that I fell asleep on the couch the minute I got home. Frontier dirt still on my feet, I shuffled to the bed shortly after and slept right through the morning. I didn’t hit breakfast with Mom and Burl, but I did catch some tv church and the scripture he was teaching today was this: Matthew 6: 25-34
it’s about worry. and how uneccessary it all is. “therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself”

i needed that today.

Let me just insert how much fun it was to see all of you at the Frontier yesterday. I loved seeing you and your kids, and playing with them, and laughing with all of the chaos…did my heart just loads of good.

I have done laundry, cleaned my room, watered the garden. I’ve watched some eps of Gilmore Girls, and nibbled on pita chips. I’m gorging myself on water, hopefully to flush out all the sodium ingested this past week. I’ve signed up Brokedown Palace for our new recycle program here in the Village. and later, when my sis and b-i-l return from taking Crazy MeMe back to Crazytown, they’re going to come help me load up a car full of STUFF so I can donate it. tv’s. furniture. stuff. I also am going to return my new bedroom tv/dvd combo that has refused to work for a month. We’ll then return to the Frontier, and enjoy one last evening together…all too brief…but Loads Of FUN!

Happy Sunday, ya’ll.

Whew…Wednesday and Thursday are blurry. The funeral was a rough one, for many reasons…but we were there for our friend and hopefully that is something. Trish and I went up to the patio and met Audra and had a cocktail or two and a gab session that made The Witches of Eastwick look tame. It was fantastic. Audra and I, having no time together for what seems like years, continued the party on up until 4am.

yeah.

4am.

I had already taken off work for both jobs yesterday to watch NCAA first day of the tourney, so I spent from about 10:45 till 7:30 at the bar watching ball.

I was asleep before 9pm.

I’m looking forward to today, great clients, some time at Job 2, and Mi Familia are arriving! I’m hoping for a good day weather wise tomorrow because we’re having one of those bouncy things for the birthday party. I think it’s gonna be a great weekend and I’m ready to soak up some family love.

in a side note: the married guy has text me a few times, these overly polite testing the water type of texts, and i’ve replied Thank You both times. Manners, after all shouldn’t go to waste just because someone else is a fuckstick.

I didn’t really say anything to him after he revealed his marital status. I just kind of looked at him and let him finish his story, then excused myself to to go the restroom and when I came back I said I was ready to go and he asked for his check. I have never been more thankful to have listened to my gut feeling and driven myself in my entire life.
I’ve been sporadically annoyed with it the last few days…I mean, how do you talk/text every day for a week, talk of future plans, and not mention that you’re still married. Fuckstick.

In better news:

Yesterday was SP’s 40th birthday! We will properly celebrate him next weekend and launch him into this new decade with karaoke and laughter. It’s not a bad place, this age box.

Happy Friday, ya’ll.

I really really really need to be up and at the gym right now, but I woke up with a headache from grinding my teeth and dreaming crazy so I may just say…sit. drink coffee. rest. This morning is filled with about three or four clients, and then I will make the journey westward to my hometown. I will gather with friends. And we will go to the funeral of one of our mothers.

Here are a few things that have developed this week.

I have to buy a lawn mower. I’ve had a “loaner” from a friend the past three years. I use “quotes” because every year he’s said, Just Keep It. It’s yours to have. and I would say, “oh noooo, it’s okay” and after three years of that, I said, “OKAY” and thought that was sweet, I have a lawn mower.

This week I get a text from him that said, “hey, do you still have my lawn mower?”

deep breath.

So I’m on the lookout for a mower. I was thinking pawn shops. Just something to get the grass cut until I can save up for a really good one…but I won’t need it for a while…just one more thing on the list.

In Other News:

Last week, I met someone. A guy. An aquaintence of a friend. He was nice, and kind and we talked easily with each other. We went out last week. Spent 3 hours talking and laughing. It was actually, surprisingly, nice. No spark, no za za zu, but I had pretty much wrapped my head around that not being an issue. We went out again last night, to a really nice place for dinner. Well. We didn’t really eat dinner. We had two appetizers. And they were decadant and delicious and I was ok with the points/calories I was eating and drinking until he told me he’s still married to his wife. Seperated but married, nonetheless.

Now. We all know I gave up married men for Lent years ago. All I could think of was, “I blew my weeks worth of points AND missed trivia with my friend last week FOR THIS?????”

married.

nice.

I’m annoyed. Disappointed. A little angry. My clenched jaw headache is reminding me. The Voices have started marching in time like a damned band in the Macy’s Parade. Girls all around me date date date. They go from guy to guy like the people bouncing on those red balls on Wipeout.

 

I’m not saying he’s not nice, still. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t hang out socially with him with other people. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate his honesty…

I’m saying I don’t go out with married men.

Gah. Gonna just shake it off and move on. My family is coming in this weekend. NCAA Basketball starts tomorrow. Sean Patrick turns 40 tomorrow! It’s a big big week full of big big fun so I’m not going to let this be a blot on it. And really, it’s nothing compared to what my friend Tara is dealing with today. We’re all too damned young to be losing our mothers…so there’s some perspective.

and it’s going to be 75 degrees today.

So. That’s what’s going on over here, how’s your life?

Trying to post this from my phone…had to reload a bunch of stuff. Test One Two Three…(Anything but that) -I always sing that line from Rent

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Do you need a beginning of the week feel good?

Go HERE, and throw a few bucks to my sister’s fund raising efforts for her Heart Walk. I’m so proud of her! Wish I could do it with her but just donated instead!

This world is crazy. I’m watching the Japan footage, and mourning the losses that were felt this weekend, and just thinking that my brain could explode taking it all in.

woops. the plumber’s here.

go! donate! YAY!

I lost point 6 at weigh in today…and damnit, I really expected more. Workouts everyday last week, eating well, within my limits. I did have a big night Friday, but well within all my flex/activity points I’d banked. Or so I thought.
I know things are shifting from the weights and the cardio, I can feel it.
But really. That was just deflating.
Point six.

sigh.

But it’s a new week. Its a busy week. I’ve got to refocus and move forward.

I’m committing to more cardio. Everyday. I’ll start by adding ten minutes more. I’m going to cook today, get foods ready for the week so that I’m not tempted to snack on bad stuff. I filled the kitchen with fruits yesterday from my Sams trip—wait. Let me tell you this! It’s a piece of good news! Remember last week when I ran over a pair of tweezers and flattened my tire? Welp. I took it to Sams, from where it was purchased, and the guy tried to patch it. Didn’t work. Tweezers, apparently, not only good for plucking up a brow, but plucking up a tire as well. Replacement tire?

$16.00

SIXTEEN DOLLARS. ONE. SIX.

Thankyouverymuch. I’ll have that.

Which is good, because the plumber will be here sometime today and ….gah.

So, this week. Cardio. No excuses when it comes to workouts. NO excuses when it comes to food intake.

What are you dealing with this week?

It’s been a weekend of unrest. Not just because I’m off and running and working and erranding and clean sheeting and trying to wrap my head around time management as something other than a pipedream.

The Japan earthquake and subsequent tsunami. The carnage.

My friends Tara and Lance lost their mother, after one courageous and tenacious battle with cancer, this morning. My heart is breaking for them. And for me. She has been my go-to voice at my insurance agency for as long as I can remember.

Another acquaintence via FB and El Reno, and USAO in a matter of speaking, lost her mother in a tragic murder/suicide this weekend.

I just want to gather all of you up in my arms and just hold you tight. I feel a little edgy, and while the chatter in my brain is decidedly less than it was last week, the voices that are still there are kind of sideways today.

I had a chat with my sister today, about our fractured family and the stresses that brings, and we laughed and look forward to our visit next weekend. Some of you will get to come out to the Frontier and enjoy all of our children and play and I really look forward to that too.

I think today is just going to be a “remember to breath” kind of day. There is no slouch on the couch time, it’s a full day. But it’s cloudy out, overcast really. I’m going to go water the yard, just to insure we’ll get rain later tonight, then head out to BatShitCrazyTown to start wedding season beer slingin!

A little tune for you…for us…inspired by Clemo. On the occasion of a clear memory.

Have you seen it?
Inception?
Of course you have.

I’m always the last to get to the party.

Thanks to SeanPatrick, I had the dvd in my house and his STRONG recommendation to view it.
Thanks to PatGreen, I had a rock star night last night and stayed home tonight, even though my Glimmer Girls were out on the town, gettin their gay bar on, and were begging me to join. . . the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.
Thanks to Lynn, for coming over and keeping me company while I did house chores, struggled to find what was causing the water underneath my sink to be everywhere, shared chinese food and watched the movie with me.

At least I know if this is an alternate reality, if my top stops spinning, she was with me…I’d really like my top to spin awhile tonight seeings as how we spring forward and I’ve got a full full day.

Ahh, hand full of melatonin and I’m good as Leo.