16 years ago today, I walked down an aisle in a church in Purcell Oklahoma and said, “I Do..Forever” to a man.

I think back now, and while I don’t harbor any malice, and take my share of the responsibility at the way things turned out, I wonder if I ever thought it would last forever. I think I knew in my heart of hearts back then…but I was 24 years old. In my mind I was already LATE to the game. So many reasons, none of which I feel like delving into here today.

But every year I think about it. I knew at some point our anniversary would fall on Friday the 13th, and that appealed to the warped side of my soul.

Today is Friday the 13th.

Today is also my friend John Morgans birthday! He is 68 years young. As I walked down the aisle on the arm of my father, John leaned out and said in his best indoor voice…”i have gas.” He makes me laugh every time I talk to him. I have loved him for many many years, and wish him the happiest of days.

Tonight we’re celebrating Delbert’s leap into the 40 age box. Dinner, chips and salsa, a margarita or two is what she requested. Laid back and fun! YAY!

In other news, the roomie is moving out tonight. All of her furniture is out but due to some weirdness with the gas company she may still have to get ready here until she can get her other stuff moved and get some hot water! It’s fast, this transition. She leaves for Mexico next week,  I have stuff every weekend, it’s just fast fast fast.

I’ve got to find something to put the TV and dvd/dvr stuff on. I need to start looking around. Until I find something, I’ll move the table from my bedroom and use it…Just lots to do and very little time to do it. Gah.

Hopefully Sunday will bring some time to rest, and gather with friends and work on this house.

Hey kids! Happy Friday the 13th!

 

 

 

 

 

So yesterday, I worked at Job 2 in the morning, went to the salon and did a little hair, and then I drove down to Norman, jumped into the car with Trisha and she and took a quick trip to Dallas to catch a concert that she had tickets to!

Fleet Foxes.

I’d never heard of them, but holy moly on toast I’m a huge fan now.

6 guys. 3 part harmonies. Mandolin. Guitars in every shape and size. Stand up bass. Percussion out the wazoo. Organ and piano. Oh wait…just when you think you’ve heard it all…”IS THAT GUY PLAYING A FLUTE??” yes. Yes he is. There are 2 flutes exactly. And a saxaphone that the dude played like a freakin trumpet.

We need a cleanup on aisle 4 please. Cleanup on aisle 4.

It was amazing.

The drive down sucked because of all the rain, but driving home at midnight was easy peezy. My contacts were sooo scratchy that my eyes wanted to close then I would nod off. I was probably talking nonsensical at times but we got closer to home and GLORY! I got home at 3 am. First appointment at noon today. It was a perfect little adventure.

Life is out there. Ripe. Delicious.

All we have to do is pick it…

and leap.

 

Here’s a little tune from Fleet Foxes.

 

and this one

I have to tell ya, I’m kind of whooped.

I’ve spent the morning drinking coffee and picking up the house. I am seriously contemplating getting back to the gym. My first appointment isn’t until noon, so…I think that’ll happen.

My energy and give a shit? Has yet to show up today. I think I used it all this weekend. Big big stuff, bartending Friday, Tulsa for the majority of the weekend, and I finished it up yesterday with planting the rest of the garden in 90 degree heat.

I’m excited about the new plantings, I’m excited about what bounty they will bring. I’ve got a fridge full of fresh lettuce, baby carrots, and a few radishes. SALAD DAYS!!!

I’ve sent my 3rd email to my graduate adviser. If I don’t hear back from her within a day or so, I’m going to call. I know she’s probably inundated with end of semester bullshit, but seriously? Isn’t there a TA that could at least respond to an email? Huh. I fear that she’s already going to be annoyed with me by the time I meet her, but if my fault is being excited and wanting to get a jump on enrollment and financial aid then so be it.

Just talked to Caro, I’ve got about two more projects that I can eek out at Job 2. This should get me at least another one or two paychecks, so that’s awesome. My roommate is leaving in 3 weeks. She had initially set July as her leave date but found the perfect apartment in the area of the city that she wanted to live in, so she jumped. I don’t blame her. I’d jump, too.

It’ll be nice for us both to have our own space again. We talked last night about once she gets settled, having a girls night. I’ve done more work in the back yard and can’t wait to gather there too. I’ve already begun thinking about having the house back to myself, the guest room back, the closet space. I know she’s excited for her own space too.

So, it’s time to get up. Move around. After sucking the marrow out of the weekend, I’m only wanting to nibble at today. Which is perfectly ridiculous and a waste of daylight.

Giddyup!

 

** I HEARD FROM MY ADVISER! WE WILL BE EMAILING UNTIL SHE CAN GET HER BREATH FROM END OF SEMESTER WORK AND THEN WE WILL MEET! YAY!

When I was a little girl, I would come home from church on Sunday after noon and after peeling off layer after layer of itchy scratchy dress and understuff, I would come down to my slip. My silky, soft white slip. Sometimes I would pull it all the way up under my skinny arms into my armpits and pretend that I was wearing a very glamorous strapless gown. I might even add a piece of jewelry, or stick a flower behind my ear, or grab a clipboard and pretend I was Julie McCoy.

More often that not, I pulled that long white slip up over my head to where the elastic just fit around my face at the hairline. And I pretended to be Mother Theresa.

That’s not even remotely true. But it sounds better than…I pretended to be a bride.

It’s true. I played bride more than anything else. I used to get my mom’s old frothy nighties and flounce around the house carrying some hard plastic bouquet of flowers that were crusted in dust and smelled like old people. I loved it.

I always thought it would be the easy path I would take. It seemed so natural then…it seemed so easy to believe that the girl with the freckles, and the big ears and the continuous string of unfortunate perms…would grow up and find love and become a momma.

The first man that proposed to me…well let’s just say the words weren’t even finished hanging in the air before we’d picked out the colors and settled on who would be in our wedding. Looking back, clearly this wasn’t a relationship based in any kind of reality or truth. I mean, he (my hand to God on this one) really at one time wanted to be Batman.  I started listening to Morrissey to impress him. And while the Dark Knight always has been and always will be my favorite super dude to play dress up…there’s only so much of that music I could take before I started eating my own hair. I did love it though, and listen with fondness now.

 

The second man that proposed to me…I married.

He made me laugh. I followed him to college, and had what became one of the most defining times of my life. But we were young, and it’s been several lifetimes since I’ve been called Wife. We had started to seriously think about a baby.  Thank God we didn’t follow through with that genius plan.

I used to yearn for a child. The want in my heart and in my body was so real, that I used to talk to it. It kept me company. It filled me with hope.

someday.

someday.

I used to pray that God would give me a child. But I wanted that child to come with a father. A father that wouldn’t leave. I didn’t want to do this alone. I’ve been a first hand witness to how difficult that was and never thought myself strong enough to handle the task alone.

I then began to pray that God would just give me peace.  That He would replace that want with a purpose and the energy to forge ahead. Ride this trail that I never thought I’d be on. Seek new adventures and quit thinking about how I will never have anyone to pass down MeMe’s Desert Rose china to.

It was an amazing day when I realized that my prayers have been answered. Not in the removal of a want…but in the addition of sweet beautiful faces.

I’ve been given Hayden and Holden.

Jack Ryder and Huddy.

Ally and Asher and Baby Anniston.

Peyton Ruth and Jantzen.

Aubrey and Karlie.

Lily Kate and Nate.

Gabe and Riley and Tanner the Magnificent.

Kory and Alli

Jake and Jamie

Isabelle.

My heart splits wide open each time I see their faces, or hear their laughter, or listen to a joke or watch a magic trick or pull a finger and make fake fart noises. I laugh till I cry at their serious dance moves and worry and fret at what will face them with each new day. I’ve bought my weight in cookie dough, been there for births, seen the prom pictures, sat through dance recitals, graduations and weddings as well as slept at the hospital, rejoiced at birthdays, and applauded at performances.

I realized that one doesn’t have to be RELATED to play an important role.

I think back to the women in my life, in addition to my mother, that helped to form and shape me into the woman I am today.

My mother taught me that I could be anything and do anything I wanted to.

MeMe taught me that strength need not always show up with fanfare, that the most courageous thing I could do was to try.

Mary has taught me so much about faith and what that means in this life and how it can sustain us.

Carla (Auntie) taught me about ABBA. Lacy J Dalton. blue cheese dressing and All My Children.

Carla (Nonna) taught me about Robert Redford in The Way We Were. She took me to see When Harry Met Sally. She taught me grace and dignity.

Ma taught me that opening my mind also meant opening my heart. That it wouldn’t always feel pleasant and nice, but in those moments we find something even better. She taught me not to just follow my bliss…to chase after it.

Those kids up there? I’m only related to two of them, but they all are part of my family. Part of my ever sustaining tribe. I am graced by their presence in my life and can only hope that I may someday be an important person in theirs. I don’t mourn the path not taken…very often. I’m happy with where I am and that I have the ability to love so many.

So on this Mother’s Day…I wish you well. I wish you love and light. Be you a parent, or be you someone like me.

I am not a mother.

But I do dress up like one on occasion.

It’s Saturday morning and I’m off work!

I’m up still, at the crack of whatwhat, because I’m prepping to drive to Tulsa in support of my best good friend Delbert.

See, Delbert has had a really shitty past few years. When things were really bad, she would seek solace not in beer (like some of us) not in manic cleaning (like some of us that do not live in Brokedown Palace) not in cheese (like several of us) but at the gym.

I know. She’s already leaps and bounds above me in her coping mechanisims.

At first, it was just an escape. And then it became social, she had friends that welcomed her and supported her with nothing expected in return. Finally, it became a way of life for her, and she decided in this her 40th year (she turns next weekend!) that she would face some fears. She would “Do the thing you think you cannot do” and she entered a body competition.

She has transformed herself. Inside and out. And she amazes me. Her determination is as fierce as her bicep and to watch her move from the woman who was afraid to live by herself into this person who…forgive me…but I’m pretty sure she could take down Wonder Woman…well it’s just a beautiful thing.

This road hasn’t been easy. She hasn’t gone out much, the diet is so rigid that it’s just not even worth it. She’s been hungry pretty much since Janurary and has injested so much chicken I’m pretty sure she clucks in her sleep.

Today however, it all pays off. She’ll put on that itty bitty teeny weeny lookie at my body bikini. She’ll slide on those clear heels. She’ll channel her inner badass stripper superhero and she will take her Malibu Barbie self out on that stage and strike a pose.

And I will be in the audience clapping and praying and more than likely shedding a tear or two. **

Delbert, I love you girl. I’m so proud and I cannot WAIT to witness this day!

TOWANDA!!!!!

 

**Crying with pride mind you. The tears will have nothing to do with the fact that I’ll be in a room full of zero percent body fat.

Here’s the thing.

It’s been a busy busy week.

First and foremost…sisters have died.

Not mine…immediately…but those in my outward tribal family a.k.a.Kizz and NAN…are hurting and grieving. I hurt and grieve with them. I wish for a Deloren or a thingy like in Dr. Who…but I don’t watch Dr. Who so I don’t know what the hell that is…but I know it would get me to where they are…and we would be complete.

In this here and now…however…I’ve been blessed with the company of my favorite Tribal Womens.

Trish-she who stands with the f- you for crucifying me on facebook for the post bin lama and by lama I mean laden-posts-she is quite frankly one of my most favorite tribal women. I think all of you should know her. And in doing so…will love her. She and I shall be making stories of our own in the next few weeks what will–sweartogod–will make you pee your pants. I promise.

M’Lynn gave birth to a most fabulous gentleman 40 years ago tonight. She told the story of the hard bound baby named book…flipping through en route to the hospital…closing said book upon arrival to the place at the sections M/N…ergo Matthew Noel was given to us today. I’m convinced he came out wearing a popped Izod collard shirt smelling of Polo. But that’s just the 6th grade me typing. Happy Birthday Matthew!

I found Lynn later in the night. We neither one won any Cindo de Mayo $$$ but we had an amazing time. We always do. We have become Those Friends. The ones that don’t have to talk daily, but will be there no matter what. She has always been a better friend to me than I to her…I tell everyone that. But we do have a grand time together, and tonight we planned for tomorrow. With or without prizes.

Tomorrow is  today.

and Today is My George’s 50th Birthday.

Fifty.

Forty is the new Thirty…”they” say.

which means Fifty is the new Forty.

“they say”

which means that one of us will need some ID for when we go buy milk for our cereal. Because it’s Happy Birthday Baby. and we forgot to buy groceries.

I love him.

He’s the one that will never cheat…for he will never marry. We take what is given. And when what is given is this….well shitthebed and fuckaround.  NONE of that sucks.

Happy Happy Happy.

50 is the new Please Have Sex and Scotch With Misti.

 

Sometimes, Life just gets in the way. I’ve got a list of things I need to do but it all involves some heavy lifting and it just doesn’t seem smart after being down in my back for a day. I’ll make a list anyway just to keep myself clear…

Return “borrowed” lawnmower. I have a “friend” who “loaned” me his lawnmower three years ago. Every conversation we had about it was “you just keep it. I don’t want it back” and I was all like “no no no, just let me know when you want it back.” For 3 years we’ve had this conversation. Finally, I accepted it. “Yes. Ok. I will have the lawnmower. Do you want me to pay you for it?” To which he replied, “no no no, just keep it”

A month or so ago I get a text (after no contact with him for months) “do you still have my lawnmower?”

Sigh. So I’ve saved enough money to buy myself a new one and need to take his over to his house because he’s being passive aggressive on my Facebook wall, and when I’ve seen him face to face he acts like the worlds biggest jackass. (Not a new way for him to act, as he’s drunk most times I ever see him face to face) I just need to take it back, dump it in his yard, and bless it and let it go. I am grateful to have had a friend who loaned me the machine for three years. Not many people have that. I’m grateful for the gift of time and grateful for being able to help others while it was in my ownership. Moving on. Brush Brush let it go.

I need to buy my new lawnmower. I went to Lowes and found one I wanted, but realized right away that there was no way I could get it out of my car once I got it home. It’s a two person job, and I need to not be iffy in my back to be one of those people.

I want to go get bags of soil and plants for my other garden. Gah. More lifting.

Other things I need to do I can because it’s paperwork/organizing inside, but for some reason I have a mental block on ALL of that. It’s the bane of my existence.

So that’s what I’ve got on my list…what are you doing this week? Month? Year?

 

I was up all night with back pain. Lower back/hip flexor spasms. Seriously. I couldn’t sleep, I kept rubbing the BenGay I got as a joke 40th birthday present all over my back and finally took two muscle relaxers at about 4am…I don’t have to work till 4 today and am just sitting here drugged and loopy.

Perhaps I need more sleep. But I had such great plans for the day, going to fill the garden and return the “borrowed” lawn mower. Sigh. I suppose all of these things could happen later.

I’m going to try to get into McCracken before I go to work…I can’t do another night like this. Sheesh.

So this is me. Gimped up on the couch on a beautiful day at noon thirty. wasting time. feeling loopy and drugged.

getting old is the shits.

I had fun yesterday. Post race beers with my roomie and a few other friends made it a fun fun fun day. So much fun that I damned near slept till noon in an effort to feel better. I don’t go out much anymore but when I do…WHEWEEEEE!!!

I haven’t put Facebook back onto my phone. I didn’t look at any news on tv or the computer last night.

Imagine my surprise this morning when my GoogleNews fed me the headlines.

Osama is dead.

I went through the news feeds to figure out what the story really was, and sure enough. Wow.

Facebook was clearly lit up last night. People celebrating. Cheering. People who were supportive and contemplative. Some were quoting scripture. Others were quoting Martin Luther King. All sides present and accounted for.

The thing is, I had more than one friend get attacked for posting their thoughts. Because it wasn’t necessarily in line with mainstream ideas about the subject. The vitriolic tone that was posted under the guise of patriotism made me ill. I was amazed at the shit storm that I was reading, disgusted at the narrow mindedness of people. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and most certainly entitled to express them. No one is entitled to attack someone else for not believing the same things in the same way. Gah. Stupidity runs rampant.

I’m not sorry he’s gone.  I don’t know what difference it’s going to make, other than give cause for retaliation. I don’t feel safer. His minions are large in number, to be sure, trained to take his place and carry out his mission. I would have liked for him to pay for his crimes. If that were possible. I think death is an easy out. I worry about how this will play out. What will happen now.

What will happen now?

 

 

It’s MARATHON DAY!!!

One of my favorite days of the year. Our Memorial Marathon is in it’s 11th year and getting bigger and bigger with each race. This year, over 20,000 runners are projected. The weather this morning is the best. It’s chilly. Breezy. We’re expecting to be a little wet towards the middle of the run.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!

I spent last night making posters to turn into signs that we’ll stick into the ground. One with my favorite KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, one for Mandrea who’s running her first half marathon and one that says BEER AHEAD! We’ve got our cardboard cutouts of John Wayne and Paris Hilton and new to the party this year, Gold Lame Elvis. I’ve made a marathon playlist and we’ll be playing some music for the runners that includes, Born to Run, and Oklahoma! as well as the ROCKY theme.

I’m just so proud of these runners. I see people that I know. I see many more that I don’t. Each one is working through their own private war with the elements and the pavement. And at the end of the day, we are all running and participating and cheering and volunteering to honor and remember those that we lost on April 19th.

It’s quite a moving experience. I just wish I had Cindy or Kizz here with their cameras.

Over in another state, my best good fried CHROME is doing her own race! On a bike! and she raised a gob of cash for her favorite charity. She inspires me and I wish I could be there cheering for her, too. I’ll just yell a little louder from Oklahoma my dear. I’m sure you’ll hear me!

A special shoutout to my roomate. Mandrea has been training her little heart out for months. I am so proud of her commitment, and her courage to tackle this. I have no doubt that she’ll do it with the grace and style she does everything else! RUN MANDREA RUN!!!

 

Sidebar: It poured down rain the whole time. The race was delayed because of lightening and started about 30 minutes later. I got to Martha’s and we loaded up with gloves and umbrellas and said, “As soon as we see Mandrea we’re outta there” We won’t decorate with the cardboard cutouts or anything just go out.

well.

We decorated with flags and had our music and I took Mandrea’s sign and stuck it in a tree. Randy and Lindz and Sam all showed up to cheer and Martha and I departed about 3 hours later. Both of us soaking wet and chilled to the bone. We loved every single second of it. We were the last one’s standing. I’m home, took about a 30 minute hot shower, am now curled up on the couch with coffee and watching the rest of the marathon coverage.

All before 10am.

HALAKALEEM!!!