This is our 850th post here at the Circus! Happy Humping Day, ya’ll!!! It’s a big one.

I started working on life last night. Homework and life and all kinds of fabulous goonie goo goo focus stuff. Let me first, back up. I’ve been in contact with an old high school friend via the (you guessed it!) Facebook. We’ve progressed from random wall writings to texts to phone calls. (no. don’t go there. he’s really just a friend!) Anyways, we talked for over an hour last night. It was one of the best pep talks I’ve ever heard.

and you guys know me. I’m the one that GIVES the pep. I have a hard time recieving the pep. but this got through. and it’s nothing that I haven’t lived, loved, expressed, preached, believed, breathed or invested in before. I have. I do. I’ve done. . . yet not now. not recently. So. I’m revived. I’m writing out my specific life lists. Focusing on what I want. and frankly gentle readers, that’s the hard part. How can I ask/pray for/manifest what I don’t know?

Numskullery commented awhile back that he thinks I DO know what I want, what T.N.B.T. is but have somehow stomped it into submission. paraphrasing. Maybe this homework will bubble it up to the top. Maybe it will.

my friend, Savage, says that things like that, our thoughts and our energies get to the point and because of past programming where we go “nothing is happening. it’s not working. i’ll never __________” then it just goes away again. Whatever IT was that was gurgling to the top.

We go towards those things we think about.

I KNOW this. I GET this. I have LIVED this. Visualize. Focus. Energy. Good. Love and Light! all of it.

but I got off track somewhere between leaving ExHim and right this second. Oh hell, let’s face it. I got off track waaaaaay before ExHim and Mr. Stupid—so point is, it’s time. and all of that guilt and negative thought process that I automatically turn to, that “i don’t deserve it because…I feel like this is penance for…” that’s going away. Change the language, right Chrome?

Savage sent me this and I locked it in my phone. Feel free to mutter it under your breath at any moment during the day…

IN THE PAST, I HAD THE IDEA THAT I WAS NOT WORTHY OF ___________. I REFUSE TO LIVE IN THE PAST.

so I sat down and began making my list. my life script. well, not a script at this point firstly, just a list and here’s where my head went.
clients.
money.
tires/car repair
house repair/insullation/windows
passport
trash bags
flea bombs.

what the FUCK? flea bombs?

yes folks. My lovely children have brought me yet another gift. Yes. I have been remiss on their medication for the fleas this spring summer. We’ve been good to have catfood and toilet paper. so now, I have to go get some bombs for the house and make sure the cats are OUTSIDE locked out of the kitty door for the day. It’s gross and I feel unkempt and slothy about it but you know what? It’s my house. I can scratch if I want to. Bomb-it!!!

Meanwhile, I’ve finished my latest book and am in search for another. LT and I are on a mission to read my library this summer. I’m ready for something new though…maybe she’ll feed me a few weeks!

got my yards mowed, my pots watered, there is some satisfaction in that! felt good last night.

my lack of tv is dismal. really folks. but it’s fine. I have pleanty of dvd’s to watch. tonight I’m working my way (too slowly) through Battlestar Galactica. I watched several eps Monday, and want a few more injested tonight.

OH HEY! I got a free ticket to see The Drowsey Chaperone tomorrow night with my PseudoSis1. I’m so excited. I love this little show. It’s delightful and cannot wait for her to see it! That was a nice surprise…

So it’s Humping Day, and a milestone at the Circus, and the beginning of some seriously specific shit going down over here…celebrate in any manner that you wish! Do a little dance…make a little love…snarf down some cake…clap your hands together and make some noise like George!
I love you.
I love Geroge Clooney.

GOD I hope I’m busy this week. Seriously. I was talking to another hair stylist last night who works elsewhere in our city and he’s hurting too…gah. Double and triple GAH! So. hopefully.

Had an impromptu gathering/cookout here on Saturday night. Hotdogs. Chips and dip. Sitting under the gazebo talking into the wee hours! Brilliant! That is my favorite part of owning a house. This house. the wind made the gazebo into more of a sunroof, which drove me batty. Hopefully we can get that re-enginered and a little more stabilized before the next one. We all agreed that we’re doing this more this summer instead of going out and spending $. Just hanging around the yard. My kind of entertainment!

Have not much on my plate this week. need to get the front yard mowed tonight but that’s about it. Hopefully just being still and making money…hopefully…doing some writing. Heading to Arkansas next weekend to spend some time with the fam, and give fresh hair before their vaca next month.

Watched more BSG yesterday. Maybe I’ll finish season two this week. That’s a goal I can live with! Cable got cut down to the bare minimum…and strangely enough the channels I get with basic? Not even worth the 13 bucks. However, I don’t want to have to get one of those converter thingsy so will just keep it for awhile. I don’t miss it so far. Wonderboy, however, will prolly go apeshit without his channels when he visits this summer…wah wah wah.

Ok. coffeecoffeecoffee. Happy Tuesday! Hope your week, if it started yesterday, is going smoothly! Wish me busy this week!

Today we’re having pot luck at work for the June birthdays. Potluck is always a good/bad day. Good if you’re busy. Run back, grab a snack, run bang hair. Today….I have two clients.

dum de dum dum dummmmmmmmmmm.

the image of me faceplanted in a crockpot of warm velveeta should pop into your head around two this afternoon….

I mentioned that with the slowness and my intent to abscond from the internet every second of every night, I’ve been reading. Here’s my list thusly for the last month or so.

The Wonder Spot
Eat,Pray,Love
Big Stone Gap
Big Cherry Hollar
Milk Glass Moon
Home to Big Stone Gap
Run
Patron Saint of Liars
Lucia,Lucia

That might be it. I feel like I’ve squeezed another in there somewheres, but my mind is like the ticket counter at Yankee stadium on the last game of the year.

So now…not purchasing anything but the goal being to read what I have in my library…I’m kind of stumped. I wonder what’ll be next. I’ve got Tom Robbins on my shelf. I have never finished a Tom Robbins book. I feel like I need to. I feel like anyone cool reads Tom Robbins. I have some Susan Sontag. (self indulgent overrated crap so says Bull Durham…slurp) I’ve never read her either. The Red Tent is up there. Nada. I have several Barbara Kingsolver’s over there. Never cracked open. our next self help salon bookclub is Rich Dad Poor Dad. Bleargh. God save me from another self help forced reading. gag. My response to that? I’m not twenty anymore. and I’m bored. Any suggestions???

So ok. Maybe I’ll pull a little Shell Silverstein to carry me into Friday.

I know I’m being all bla bla bla my life, bla bla bla I’m bored, bla bla bla I’m lonely bla bla bla i need coffee this week/month/year. I must tell you though, I am happy. I don’t have any desire to have a fistfull of anything that will harm me. I am not on the cross about anything, or overly annoyed by life…There is just an unsettled, uneasy, very strong desire for something that is gurgling hot bubbles under my skin. I figure if I just keep talking it out here…when it happens we’ll all be able to go, Ahhhhhh! We THOUGHT you were coming. See! Go back and read! WE all knew it was going to happen soon!

I’ve decided to really sit still this weekend. Clean my room.
and by clean my room I mean work in the yard. and ….clean my room. ok. yeah. I need to do that. well. the guest room. my room is fine. ok. a little work in there too…and yes. I know. a little metaphysical/spiritual/internal work as well.

So. Here’s to a weekend of introspection. Of Getting The Room READY! and of course, to me being faceplanted in a warm crock of velveeta.

fake cheese is really the best cheese.

The Next Big Thing.

Yep. Gert you hit it on the head. I told Joe on Sunday over a cold beer….I’m BOOOOOOOOOOOORED. With life. With everything. With all of every single tiny teensy eeensy weensey bit of all of it. BORED.

He seemed a little taken aback and pointed out what my life has held the last two years.

Left a long standing horribly destructive relationship
Moved without a cent to your name, to the Frontier. Blessed be the Frontier. Blessed be the Bonusmom.
Worked.
Worked.
Worked.
Played a lot.
Bought a house.
Moved into a house.
Paid for a house for a year.
Did a show.
Crushed pretty hard on a boy for about a year.
Finally blessed that and let it go.
Dabbled in the pizza business. (pizza is a euphimisim. just leave it at that)
Got out of the pizza business.
Made a bunch of new friends.
Reconnected with old ones.
Got back onstage.

so how the hell can I be bored with my life?
How?

Yes. I know I need to be writing. I have had more than fifty people, random and disconnected people tell me I should be doing stand up. writing and stand up. scare the shit out of me, the thought after that thought? makes me vomit. so maybe I need to do what scares me the most. maybe.

scuse me whilst I puke.

k. back now.

but yes. T.N.B.T.
I’m waiting. I need it. I am CRAVING something. and for a long while I thought it was a relationship. and fuck. maybe it is. I doubt it. I really doubt it. I think it’s something else…a relationship with something/someone else…and I can’t see who or what it is.

but I’m antsy.
anxious.

what the hell am I waiting for????

—to be continued. no doubt about that.

Sippin my coffee this morning, doing my daily routine, reflecting on my routine I wonder if there is room for anyone else here. I snooze a few times, I get up and throw on whatever piece of clothing is by my bed and stumble into the office to open back door, call for cats and revive the computer. Head to the kitchen. Feed cats their moist, turn on faucet for their drinking ability. Make coffee. Turn on tv to Today show, channel four. Turn off faucet, pour coffee, come back to office and write awhile.

huh. while I was doing my moring reflection I rememberd a dream I had last night. Someone gave me two little girls.

yeah. I know.

WHAT THE HELL???

Maybe because I was watching the behind the scenes of the White House special last night. Maybe because one of my managers is fostering two little girls and their time is almost up to go back. I have no idea the origin of the dream, cant remember. All I remember–oh. the book I was reading last night dealt with a birth as well. anyways, all I remember is calling my moms and yelling…HELP!!!! I have kids!!! and wondering where the hell I was gonna put them. On the fouton with all the books? In the spare room with all the laundry? In my room? where would I put my shoes? It was pretty ridiculous that I own a three bedroom home and in my dream there was no room for anyone else.

is this Freudian, do you think? Am I subconciously closed off to anything that doesn’t have four legs and eat oceanwhitefish blended foods? Wow. the more I think about it the more I wonder…maybe. Maybe I am.

Well. That didn’t happen in a day, so it probably won’t disappear with a dream either. You know what DID happen in a day? THIS THING CALLED MY ASS!!! HOLY SHIT folks. I don’t know what the hell happened. I really don’t. I know I went eating crazed during rehearsals and the show and those crazy crazy hours I was keeping but sweet baby moses, I am all of a sudden sitting awkwardly and walking with another shadow!

woof. to that. I say.

I need more coffee. and some inspiration for my 11 hour day. Hows about a bit of this?

HA! After a call from Mom, and an email from BonusMom, I guess I need to get back on here. I’ve just been super busy since Thursday last, being social, staying out. Being sleepy. Working and saving. Working more. Praying for clients and tips and all of that. Just been busy.

I’ve been spending time outside in my yard when I get home. Did that last night. Came home from work, figured out some sort of pasta slurry from my freezer and pantry and whirrled that into dinner, sat outside and read till dark, then inside to the bed. Bed early lately.

So I haven’t been doing much online. That’s where I’ve been. Last week I did comedy shows both Friday and Saturday, then skipped the Monday show and got a call from the guys asking where was I. HOME! not showering for the whole day, is where I am! ha!

I am reading like a crazy person. Just finished the fourth Big Stone Gap book. Delish. I have Lucia, Lucia by the same author to start today. I read two by Ann Patchett last week. Also started a memoir that I randomly picked up months ago called I’m Not Myself…or something like that. It’s good. Reminds me of Dry.

I am thinking about finding a second job. Nights. Cleaning offices or somethign like that. I’m just thinking about it…but if anyone hears of anything part time, that I could do with my schedule…drop it on me.

In that vein, I’m cancelling my cable today. Most of it. Keeping the piddly basic stuff. Yep. This means, no True Blood this summer. No Anthony Bourdain. But whatever. It has to happen. over forty bucks I can save…fucking adulthood.

Chrome isn’t feeling very shiney this week. Head over and give her a chin up boobs out…I feel ya sister. It sucks…no words can describe. bleargh.

What else??? How are you? got plans for the summer? Are you traveling? Mom, do you have my birth certificate??? I need it. Still going to get my passport even though I cant go anywhere. I have dreams. Big Eye-Tallian dreams.

So the funny boys got a great write up in our weekly artsy fartsy paper…check them out! I’m so proud of the work they are all doing here, trying to build and expand the community for comedy and performing. Halakaleem to 796Entertainment! In that spirit I watched this last night. Interesting. Kind of self indulgent on Jamie Kennedy’s part but I empathized and was really into the whole thing…right up until the last scene. oy.

Another beautiful morning…yesterday was good. Planned a float trip, alas found out the group plans to CAMP. Uhhhhh…no. No way No How. But Zelda, you say. You grew up camping. You can cook on a fire better than anyone. Pitch a tent, hang a hammock? Why the downface?

Because kids. After 12 or more hours on the water, IN AUGUST, drinking beer, being fried, I will require, nay, demand two things. A mattress on which to sleep and AIR CONDITIONING!!! So. I’ll just motor on into town and have myself a room at the Motel 6, and all will be fine.

Gotta get my butt in gear today. Going to have facetime with Abbylicious tonight. Super excited about that. We’ve only been face to face for a few hours, but have become quite the duo via the interwebs these last few months. Good times await.

Shower and one last gulp of coffee for me kids. Happy Thursday and I love George Clooney.

I was in a funk yesterday. Ass deep in the muck and the mire and the bleargh. Hopefully that’s all passed and I can get on with it today. Whew. Ever just get stuck in it for a day? and no matter what you cannot crawl out? I do. and when I do, it’s serious. bleargh.

Last night I watched the last five or 6 eps of the seasons How I Met Your Mother and cried and laughed and felt a little better. Release. I went to bed fairly early and slept in this morning. Strong pot of coffee and voila! Good as new.

“Don’t even get me started on girls whose names should end in ‘ly’ but instead end in ‘i, those girls are like roller coasters. You’ve got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don’t drop your keys.”–Barney

Abbylicious arrives in The Plains today. The Vegan has been here since Saturday but haven’t heard from him. Busy. I feel like I’m kind of on the outskirts of the funny boys these days…and all things considered I guess that’s fine. I didn’t go to comedy Monday night. Just too tired from the weekend and wanted to work in my yard. Anyways, looking forward to some facetime with the girl this week!

I’ve been ridiculous about walking off and leaving my phone. If I’m outside, it’s inside. If I’m inside, it’s in my car. Clearly, I’m not thinking well this week. Wha??? Sorry if I’ve missed your calls. Not ignoring…just out of it.

ok. more coffee. more piddling. Gotta decent book today at work and want some Subway before I go in so must get going. MUAH!!!

I had a great one, did you? Saw tons of friends, went to Paseo, drank some cold beer, ate hotdogs and hamburgers and the best dips in the world. Made delicious jalapeno creme cheese deviled eggs. Slept late. Mowed my yard. Planted flowers. Decorated my backyard. Laundry. Dyson. Battlestar Galactica. Tv. Naps. Nachos and tons of laughter! here’s a few pics of Paseo and of the weekend. More to come this week.

Sunshine and mental health days are my favorite! I can’t believe I still have all of today AND tomorrow!!! It’s been a fun packed weekend thus far. I hope yours has been great, not stressfull, just easy like…heh…Sunday Morning.

I’m sitting here with my first cuppa joe, I’ve already been to the grocery store and made my black eye pea salsa and boiling the eggs to become my Deviled Egg of the Day for tonight’s party at PSister2’s house. I really need better names for my PseudoSisters. Anyways, so now I’m having a break and then tackling yardwork.

Yesterday I went to Lowes and gave them 120.00 GAH! I needed a new hose (dont we all.) a new sprinkler, some gardening gloves, potting soil, plants, weed and feed for the yard, a thing to spread said weed and feed, oil for my tiki torches, mulch…bleah. I think I got a lot for that amount but sheesh. Today I’m tackling the yards. Mow first, then water, then weed and feed. then going to work a flower bed or two. I really need Bonusmom to come over and have a lookie loo at what I should plant where in my front yard…so not really going to delve into that one too much. Mostly pots and hanging pretty.

What’s been going on in your life? Are you having a great weekend? I hope so. It’s the kickoff to summer. This one will be fabulous! We’re talking about a river trip…Floating the river is one of my favorite things in the history of ever! I look back to last year, first summer in my house, and while I was really really social, there were some brown spots that popped up with friends that made things…strange. This year, those people are not in my life, I choose not to participate in their drama, and this summer will be better than the last! Halakaleem!!!

Time for a warm up. and some motivation to go outside and act like a homeowner…