Well, I got to class today and had a panic attack. Apparently, from my previous week’s notes, I was supposed to write a one page summery over the book. Welp. I didn’t do that. So in the 15 minutes before class, I whipped it out.

Turns out, that was not what we needed a one page paper over. We needed a one page paper over the “Researcher Role” –I did that. But I thought it was just a few bits of information about the subject we picked from the book. I picked “Yankee Doodle” and I wrote about a half a page of info as it pertained to the book.

When I explained to the teacher that it wasn’t a full page, that I’d misunderstood, that I had written a summery of the book, bla bla bla, she said, “Oh I’m not even going to read them anyway. It just counts that you did it.”

well fucking fuck.

I have to tell you, if I hadn’t already read all the books save one, and I didn’t think I could crank out an A in this class I would probably drop it. But we’ll see. We’ll see.

My research class? I get there, and we all have to pass out copies of the one page paper we did last week, and get in front of class and present it. Mine was just…not much. Everyone’s page was chock full. We were given specific fonts and spacing to use, but apparently I need to correct my margins because seriously. . . it was like 4 sentences. But because we were only allowed 2 paragraphs, the material that was there was the best of the best. I spent the first half of the class being really self critical and feeling stupid and vulnerable.

At the break, several of us began talking, and there were two other girls in their first semester of grad school with the same googly eyed look and I realized we’re all just doing what we can. Figuring it out. We’re all just trying to get through it and perhaps we’re making it up as we go.

I got up and presented my paper and made a little comment on my margins and gave a witty quip to a snarky remark from the penut gallery and voila! I was finished! I felt ok. I had some contact with the professor. He’s freakin brilliant, ya’ll. And he makes very little eye contact with us and that can be disconcerting . Anyways, we had some banter and after class I approached him about the book I want to use for our big giant ass 20 page research paper and he approved it. YAY.

I think this class that I dreaded the most may turn into one of my favorites.

It wasn’t an easy ride today. But it wasn’t the worst either.

I have to tell you, I wish I was hunkered down with Kizz and Chrome in NYC this weekend. It looks like they’re going to be a-ok, but with a rain induced lazy weekend. What I wouldn’t give to have a weekend in my house with some steady rain outside. I would love. love. love that.

I played bartender last night for the first time in about 5 weeks. The wedding was big, and the kids were all just out of college. You could tell this was one of the first couples to get married. Young 20’s, looking for jobs, very little money to spend, frat boy packs, cute girls looking at the festivities longingly. We worked hard for the little money that we made, but you know what? It’s Sunday, and I have a little more money in my pocket than I did yesterday morning. I’m ok with that.

I’ve got reading to do today. I have to take some champagne over to a friends jewelry party then I’m coming back home to do my own version of hunkering down and finish Johnny Tremain and begin some Virginia Woolf. I’ve started searching for a book to do my 20 page paper over in my research class…I really think I can do my Zora Neal Hurston. I think there’s enough information out there…and I’m passionate about the story and the author so that will help.

I haven’t been on a bike ride all week. I feel gross about that but am trying to be easy on myself mentally. This week’s downtime was spent gorging on the entire season of Friday Night Lights. I am one hundred percent in love with this show. I have nothing bad to say about any of it. I am in love with the characters and the lessons and the family and community. It strikes a chord in my own heart regarding growing up in a small town, being a teenager, learning the lessons, having the experiences. I feel like I owe each person involved a letter of apology for not watching it when it was on the air. If you have the kind of life that involves great tv? I beg of you, put it on the list. I cannot imagine anyone being disappointed by what you see.

Kizz and I are in love with #33. I also have a great place in my heart for Landry Clark. Ohhhhh Landry. I want to have a marriage like Eric and Tammy Taylor. And I’d like to talk to whoever cast little GracieBelle Taylor because that was…well. That child needs bangs.

I probably should have saved this for mid-terms.

 

 

 

 

I’ve had a total of 3 clients this week. That includes the one today.

It makes me gag.

But I’m working with the idea that the Universe is giving me a buy week since I had classes begin.

I do have some clients tomorrow and I know next week will be better.

I’ve finished homework for two classes and just have the last half of a book to finish for my other one. I’ve started searching for a book to do my big research paper over in Bib and Methods…I think I can do Their Eyes Were Watching God. (my second favorite book)  I’ve signed up to lead the first half of discussion for To Kill A Mockingbird when it comes up. I think I’m doing things ok, if not better than ok this week.

The house is clean. enough. I’m doing laundry and trying to stay ahead of the game there. I’ve got a bartending shift tomorrow night so that’ll be nice.

That’s about it. Head is still above water. Still paddling. Still breathing.

I’ve been to all three of my classes at this point. I’m officially overwhelmed about some aspects of every one of them. The workload, the papers, the research, the time suck that they will all take…

I’m underwhelmed by some aspects of some of them as well. I didn’t know my graduate classes would have a mix of grad and undergrad students in them. I didn’t know that my YA Fiction class would be probably more of a methods class for the English Ed undergrad majors. I’m sure I would have known some or all of these things had I had any kind of advisement, or orientation upon enrollment…but what’s done is done.

I’m doing my best not to let anyone else’s perceptions and experiences color my own before I can make my own mind up about it. That’s one of the most difficult things, actually. People mean well, and any guidance is nice but…it’s my experience. Mine.

I’ve made it to all my classes on time. I was actually 40 minutes early this morning. (that 9am class was, in fact, a 9:30 class.) Parking hasn’t been too terrible except for when I tried to find something close to the library today after class. That was a joke. It was jokier than a joke. My classmates are…indifferent. The grad students have all (it seems) been together throughout undergrad and have a cohesive unit established already–or–they’re those academic crazy cat ladys that like to throw around established authors of literary criticism  on the first day of class. Ugh.

I miss being part of a group. . . and it seems like that was an instant thing at USAO. But that was because my then fiance had been going there, and I had been hanging out on the weekends for a year previous. . . even though I would find my own group eventually I did have a built in cushion.

The work is enormous. I’m working at scheduling my time, getting organized now that I have my information and due dates and whatnot. The discipline its going to take is…GAK.

But for what it’s worth I’m in it! In it to win it!

 

I have been fixated on getting a desk for my study for some time now.

I’ve searched on craigslist. I’ve looked at Wal-Mart. I looked at Goodwill.

The elusive desk was out there, I knew it. It was like this missing piece to the puzzle.

I’ve gotten rid of furniture, I’ve moved what I had left around and made my space a more conducive place for study.

My YaYa Tammie has been texting me for a few months that she has one I could have. Measurements worked out. It seemed a good fit.

With plans made with the Pseudo Sisters to borrow a truck and drive over to pick it up and haul it back, it seemed that the final piece of my puzzle was going to be in place before school started.

I could breathe easy.

The desk fell completely apart once we got it to my house.

Like…in pieces-fell apart.

We had a posse of help at the house, moving, lifting, shifting. And we all just kind of looked at it. Piece by piece. On the front steps.

Brokedown.

We laughed, loaded up the pieces in Josh’s truck so he could dump them and continued on with our day.

It was, however, the beginning of my unraveling. Piece by piece it seemed that my school puzzle was going to come unraveled. I was focusing on finding my classes, the scenarios kept playing over and over. Taking the wrong books. Being in over my head. Wearing clothes that were uncomfortable. Being so brain dead by the time my second class begins that I just fall asleep. Nonsensical scenarios playing out with the pomp and pagentry of a Broadway show. Starring all The Voices in all their glory.

I came home. Watched a few eps of Friday Night Lights. And took a quarter of a xanax. I called Lynn to come over and watch True Blood. I mowed the back yard. And I made brownies.

It was just the thing I needed. Someone to just say, “tell me exactly what it is you’re scared of.” Someone to just be here to eat a brownie with me. It was perfect.

She’s not the only guide in my life. I’ve been blessed for years to have people who will love me, who will support me and who will break it down and spell it out.

When I graduated high school, my English teacher wrote me a letter and enclosed a little money as a gift. As a student you would expect me to grab that cash and move on down the road. But the letter was something that struck a chord, stayed with me.

Dated May 24, 1989

“…You have so much ahead of you. Just remember that you can have whatever you want.  But…you will have to pay for it, either in effort, patience, determination, or maybe with tears and self-respect.  The tricky part will be in deciding whether what you want will be worth the cost. In the final analysis you will get what you pay for! Go for it! We’re proud of you and if you ever need anything we’ll try to be here for you.”

I’ve kept that letter. I framed it way back then and have moved it with me throughout the years. There have been tears. There has been effort. There have been what some would call false-starts, but what I would call opportunities. Some of the opportunities were, in fact, not worth the cost. I’ve started over, rebooted, turned a corner more than one probably should in one lifetime. I’m not in that secure safe place that one would expect a 40 year old to be in. But its my one time around on this planet and apparently…this is how I’m going to do it.

As I was reading it last night, it occured to me that I’ve had this beautiful, guiding tribe surrounding me and leading me from day one. On this world, in the next one. . . always watching out and sending me strength.

There’s no way I’ll get lost today with that kind of backup.

 

I cut my cable back to nill yesterday. I’ve still got HBO until TrueBlood is over. I’ve got back up plans for Dexter and Mad Men. And I’ve still got my $8.00 a month for Netflix streaming.

Mike and  I were talking about how getting rid of all the clutter of the channels forced him to become a more active viewer rather than a passive one. I like that. I like making a conscious decision about what I’m feeding my brain rather than just numbingly snacking on crap channel after channel after channel.

I’m happy with my thought out decision. Just pulling the plug. I admit I did up my internet speed. I’ll be streaming more from Netflix and wanted to make sure there were no problems. But still. Savings is savings.

My latest viewing addiction is Friday Night Lights. I cannot recommend a show more. I watched 6 hours last night. SO GOOD. Quality.

it occurs to me…this is also a nice little way to think about life, eh?

Active living vs Passive Living

Purposefully choosing what we do with our life rather than the opposite.

Taking the power back over things that seem to rule us. Pulling the plug.

Moving forward.

 

I had some panicky moments yesterday but after the bills got paid, I said a prayer of thanks, took stock of what I’ve got to live on and what I really need to buy. My austerity plan is in motion and I have faith that it’ll all be ok. I’m looking at cutting back in the cable department again. I can depend on the kindness of others who have it for a change. I can figure out how to get my fix elsewhere. I’ve got a payment that goes to my workout place…gah. It’s time to get back there. That won’t end till the spring so I need to just giddy up.

It seems like today, though, that I have just let it all weigh down on me. I wanted to get up and ride, but finally had a night of uninterrupted sleep and just stayed in bed resting. I need to borrow the mower and weedeater and do some yardwork. Theres stuff that needs be done and I’ve got most of the day free to do it.

Yet I just sit here. Chatting on FB about everyone’s first day of school, catching up on emails, drinking coffee.  It’s like my body knows that the time of lazy is tick tocking away and next week I’ll be slammed crazy again.

But I’m happy with my austerity plan. It’s almost a relief to know that while things are scary in the bank, every day spending nothing is another day better.

The clock is counting down….just a few more days until That Grad School Thing becomes Reality. I’ve noticed that I’m getting antsy.

Antsy about everything.

About money. I forgot to pay some bills at the first of this month. This has happened maybe two or three times this year and I NEVER do this. (except for the two or three times I’ve done it this year) I’m worried about my new work schedule, and making the money I need to make. I’m jittery and antsy about it and have already started thinking about where I can cut back. Working on an Austerity Plan. No more eating out, drinking out…which pretty much kills the social life but if my friends dont understand then really. Not my friends. Right?

About the workload. Have I bitten off too much? Am I going to be able to DO THIS THING??? sheesh.

I know there’s other things I’m antsy about, but I can’t remember them because I’m a little focused on the Money and the Workload.

I’m also fixated on getting a desk for my study. My doors have been installed, my back room is almost perfect…But for that imaginary desk. Clearly, I’m focused on the desk because it’s something I can control. I’m trying to figure out who has a truck I can borrow because YaYaTammie has one I can have, but it’s big and won’t break down to fit into my car and she lives in Yukon. Gah. Roadblock. Navigate around it. I’ll figure it out.

So that’s me. Just a bundle of nerves today. I’m going to have some peanut butter toast then get some bills paid, and I need to go to the grocery store. However. I may go ride my bike awhile instead.

Happy Humpday, ya’ll.

It’s been no secret that I lovelovelove the book The Help. Many months ago, M’Lynn sat across a table from me, grasped my hands and said, “you MUST read this book….it affected me.”

It was a few weeks/months later when Kathy finished reading for her book club and loaned me a copy. (apparently I was on an austerity plan that included not buying new hardback books for myself, because I cannot imagine why I didn’t run out and buy it immediatly???) But I digress. I read the book in five minutes. It was fat girl at the buffet binging on the words…the first novel of this author. I loved it. It was a beautiful story of courage, and not fitting into the status quo yet still marching along. It was a story of women and friendship, two things that will always get me.

Now, I know some of you read it and went, “meh” and that’s ok. Different strokes, ya know. The blessings of being different. However, I did NOT go “Meh”. I went out and bought a copy, and then was gifted a copy and immediatly passed them both out for others to read. I then told every client I knew who liked to read to run to get a copy. Because, that’s just what I do.

Wednesday, the movie version came out.

We (all of us that love the book) had been trepidatious about this movie, as book lovers usually are. But I had faith in it and couldn’t wait to see it.

Trish and Gabe and I made plans to see it opening night. We had a special dinner at The Melting Pot then hit the 9:30 movie. We loved it. Laughed. Cried. Loved.

I turned around and Sunday, Isabelle and Audra and I went to brunch at Cheevers and then hit the matinee. Bigger audience this time, lots of laughter and clapping and audience participation. Still the tears. Still the laughter.

I love having these special experiences with these women. I couldn’t have asked for better. The perfect girl’s night/day!

The movie was different. They changed a lot, rearranged and left out some stuff as happens when it goes to screen. But I loved it. I’m happy to have seen it. I love Emma Stone. I love Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer. I love the bond of these characters and the strength of their spirit. I love that they truly take care of each other. They are a witness to their lives, standing strong for the ebb and flow of it all. What a blessing.

I know how they feel.

It’s my last free Monday. I’m going to be lazy and productive. I’m going to finish reading Little Women. I’m going to watch some tv on Netflix.  I’m going to have dinner with Caro tonight. And we’ll see what else arrives.