Yesterday in Brit Lit, I was talking to my friend, about assignments and deadlines and future deadlines and classes we’re looking at for the Fall, and he mentioned that he was applying for a teaching assistantship. Which is awesome. He asked me if I was going to and I said Oh Noooo nonononono…Why?

I’m scared. 

He just pish paww’d that answer and started rambling off the things needed to apply. The deadline is tonight.

So, I went to work, and decided to back out of a pizza party in Norman, and came home to begin filling out all of the information. With each section of information that I filled out, I thought, I don’t have a c.v, I haven’t done anything worthwhile in the community, a cover letter, I don’t have that either. . .

I then deleted it.

The thought of teaching, and the workload that goes along with that, (sweet crap, what if I don’t remember the proper use of colons and don’t count off on a paper? I’m no better than the jackals that I took Comp 1 from) the hours teaching, combined with the full time 9 hours of coursework of my own, combined with my salon work…

I deleted it and hid on the couch under the fuzzy blankie so nothing could see me.

——————————————-

The Voices found me.

“you want to TEACH and you’re SCARED to even APPLY???”

“you don’t do anything well now, you want to add another job?”

“a job that you’re not even sure you’re qualified to do???”

“what the hell do you know about teaching freshman composition?”

“you don’t have the wardrobe to teach. that’s going to be expensive.”

——————————————

They were hateful fucking voices, bitch slapping me around no matter how far under the blankie I hid. No escape. None.

And then I went over and talked to some of my friends on FB, and like a fire hydrant on a street corner in August that’s been opened…support. Support came flooding out of my computer, and there I was, soaking wet, saturated to the bone with encouragement.

Oh please kick that bully out. Mine is a real beatch but if I want to survive my situation and still be the best I can be, she has to go, hence the therapy. KICK HER OUT! Be the best you can be. Go on. You can only fail.

you’ll know when you’re ready. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Sleeping on it was smart. Either choice is perfectly valid. Whenever you decide to teach remember that you already teach people all the time, how to teach people is not going to be your obstacle. How not to kick them in the taco when they’re stupid? Well, we all struggle with that.

1. (redacted) teaches comp at OU, and you’re totally more talented than he is (I’ve read his writing, and I’ve read yours, and that’s a seriously objective opinion, because I still want to (redacted), but I don’t want to read any more of his writing, and you don’t (redacted), but I want to read all your shit).

2. With your theatre background, teaching is a breeze. Seriously. I did that shit for three years, on top of 9 hours of grad school every semester, plus 20 hours of research team shit, plus a social life (on weekends only). It can be done! It’s a fucking killer, but it can be done!

3. Mr. Miyagi says, “Is okay lose to opponent! Must not lose to fear!”

 

and the final one:

Bitch. Please.

 

I slept for naught last night. My lower back and hips were for some reason cramping up and throbbing and by the time I took a muscle relaxer, it was 3am. Which meant that I finally slept but my getting up early didn’t happen.

I feel like I fight my demons in my sleep. I do. I’m fighting my fear, fighting my insecurities, fighting The Voices. I toss and turn and dream about my relatives no longer alive. Lately I’ve been dreaming that I go to prison. Usually Ashton Kutcher makes an appearance. I’m as busy at night as I am during the day and while I woke up feeling hungover and immediately began to check off my list the things I wouldn’t get finished before class today…

I also had a sense of peace.

a sense of certainty.

This day is MINE. I fought for it fair and square (or not) last night. And I won. I’m going to get to class, I’m going to get to work and do my clients, I’m going to freshen up my look as well. I’m going to have Audrey and Sean over tonight to help me work on my audition on Saturday, and work on my clothing choices.

And I’m going to finish gathering the information needed, and send in my application for a teaching assistantship.

Many moons ago, when I was a wife, I had…HAD a graduate assistantship to Old Miss. In theatre. I HAD it.

But I gave in to fear, and acquiesced to my then husband, and that dream went away.

I’ll be damned, damned right into a hell full of bad country songs and CeLo Green’s midget arms, if I do it again.

 

Ive been going at all speeds this past week. I’m so happy to feel healthy again that I’ve been making up for lost time. Spontaneous lunches, actually showing up to bible study/book club, getting assignments turned in AHEAD OF SCHEDULE…signs of the zombie apocolypse?

To be sure.

And this week I’ve been riding the waves of feeling creative, feeling excited and feeling lethargic and anxious…

I have an entire list of adult grown up ass things that must be dealt with and ya’ll…

I don’t wanna.

I didn’t even take out the trash last night for this morning’s pickup.

I don’t wanna.

I finally got my head wrapped around the fact that it is ok for me to spend money and hire a yard guy for the season. I’ve been calling around getting estimates. I want my yard done by the time I get home from my getaway this weekend because Monday night I’m grilling out and soaking up some Spring Break.

I’ve applied for scholarships and requested letters of reccomendation and made up a little resume to send with those letters. I want to submit a piece of writing to this Sigma Tau Delta thing…and that’s taking space in my brain

and right about the time I pull up a blank page on the computer to start writing…flop.

I don’t wanna.

I went out and put onions and seeds for kale and two kinds of lettuce in the garden.

So I seem to be balancing the big things I don’t wanna do with little tiny accomplishments. Hhmmph.

Mercury is in retrograde until the first few weeks of April.

There’s some hullabaloo about it on the web.

I choose to blame all of my apathy, my sloth, my irritants and my sad stuff on that.

you can too. I mean, I think it’s a perfectly good excuse.

stupid Mercury Retrograde.

So, my eyes are all gunky. I know it’s because I had cats loving all over me, Stormy especially, and then I rubbed my face like crazy. But they are especially itchy and gunky, and I’m wearing my glasses for awhile. If It doesn’t get better, I’ll hit the clinic on campus again…

But because of my gunky, itchy eyes, I didn’t go to church when M’Lynn text me about it this morning. I slept in. And lost an hour. SO my morning wasn’t productive whatsoever. I did get up and make some coffee and do the dishes and vacuumed the house and organized my books and backpack and hit the library to work on this big ole annotated bibliography that’s due on Wednesday.

As I sat at the table, surrounded by books, researching more leads, listening to my brain whirr and spin at what I’m potentially going to write my final paper over, I was overcome with the most amazing sense of peace and of love. One of those moments when there wasn’t any other stress, I wasn’t worried about bills or money. No nagging voices about who I need to spend some time with, and who I’m letting down. No worries about future commitments and a month that is already so packed with other things, concerts, bartending shifts, travels, birthdays, and due dates that I get a little anxiety when I see the calendar.

Just peace.

And I knew I was in the right place.

And that feeling, and sense of accomplishment over an assignment that is complete was just what I needed. It fills the spaces left empty by the other stuff that gnaws it’s way through my life.

Hope you have a moment of two like that in you future.

This was originally the weekend that Chrome was going to fly into KCMO and we were to gather at the house and soak up some time with Chris and Cindy.  .  .

It seems strange, the previously scheduled plans, and knowing now what we know about time and it’s infinite finite-ness.

I kept the time blocked on my schedule at work and am going to hit the road for a night of live music with Trish. We’re heading to Denton to see The Mountain Goats and whoever else is playing. Back tomorrow to work on my big giant annotated bibliography that is due Wednesday. I’m thankful for this quick little getaway. I’m thankful that I feel alive and well and get to do it.

Last night I did a spur of the moment sit in on some comedy. My sweet friends are so talented and I miss them. I miss being a part of the audience where they make me laugh and feel good.

I spoke my urgent need to have some quality time to one of the guys and his reply was:

“I am scared to death that I’ll miss my chance to be with the people I love the most because I’m doing things that don’t matter with people who also don’t matter. Let’s be aware and make some sweet ass memories!”

I totally get that. One hundred percent.

So, I know I’ve got to balance some finances and get more working done at the salon, I know I’ve got to get some real progress made on the assignments that are rapidly coming due, but for tonight, I’m going to back my car, pick up my friend and get away.

Yeah yeah, life is SO BUSY. and I’m SO TIRED. We all are. We are. But for me, I gain energy and light by scheduling time and making things a priority. Which, when I fail at planning, or my homework has to come first and I have to back out on plans, or when I get so sick I can’t get out and play…it makes me crazy with the awful guilty fatigue.

So, on the moments that I DO actually get it right? I can get the car loaded get some time away with friends who lift me up, get back in time to keep my other life functioning?

You bet your ass I’m going to do it.

I’m not going to spend the rest of my days, scheduled or not, bemoaning the fact that I need more time. I mean, we all do, right? But we get what we get. It’s finite and absolutely not guaranteed.

I hope that you get some time this weekend, to spend with friends and people you love, or to snuggle down by yourself and have some quiet…whatever you do be aware of it. Use it wisely.

Happy Friday, ya’ll

My Fitzgerald/Hemengway class is making me absolutely nuts.

We rarely touch on the actual literature itself. We listen to the teacher talk about his fancy life interviewing movie stars, he goes off on tangents and rarely circles back.

I have already written this class off as a “well at least I’ve read some of their works” kind of thing.

Sorely disapointed.

Our “research project” was assigned a few weeks ago. He had a list of topics and read them out one by one and we raised our hands to pick. Not knowing the full list. Just kind of willy nilly, I’ll take that one…ugh.

I chose Zelda’s Art.

Seemed to be an easily accessible topic, right?

Mmmmmmm not so much. I know I’ve only just started looking, but the book that I apparently need, NO ONE HAS. Not the metro library systen, certainly not the university library. I can’t change my topic, I’ve already asked.  Im not going to buy the book, I’m not interested enough to have it on my shelf right now.

GAH.

Just annoyed and needed to vent.

I had really high hopes for this class.

Yesterday was the most gorgeously perfect day we’ve had all year. Upper 70’s, clear skys, just beautiful. I stayed inside all day long. I would have loved a bike ride, or a walk or to finally get my seeds and onions planted…but I’m still coughing to the point that I get woozy and the thought of being outside, and having my allergies kick up again…I stayed inside all day long.

I wrote my midterm essay for British Lit. We don’t have an exam in this class, so this essay carries more weight than a normal reader response paper. I feel pretty good about it and I got it sent to my professor for notes with time to get it back and revise it before it’s due Wednesday. He’s the most graceious being. He really is an advocate for the student. He’s got the most generous heart. I have such appreciation for this man, and for his brain and his ability as an educator. Once I finally figure out my thesis topic, I’m going to ask him to be on my committee.

In the middle of writing, I got an email that made me a little giddy…

That piece that I submitted for performance in the Listen To Your Mother open mic? Well, I got passed along to the second round of auditions. I go to Fayetteville on the 17th for a live audition. I have to admit, I’m excited. It was a last minute thing, totally copying off of Kizz and then begging for editing from Guyser, and while it means some trips to Arkansas, it’s 40 minutes away from my family and…well…my writing has been passed on to the second round of auditions!!!!! I’m excited. Feels good.

Feels good to be finished with the paper early, feels good to have things falling into place.

I’m checking things off of my list.

I have an entire guest bed full of clean laundry. (Assuming Stormy isn’t sprawled out right in the middle of it) I need to get that together. This morning, I need to go mail my scholarship application, get some food in the crockpot for the week, do some banking and pay bills. Last week was just a write off, so I’ve got catching up to do. I’m ready to feel better, ready to get back to life.

Happy Monday, ya’ll.

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that we have no idea what’s important, which is why we have to behave as if everything we do matters.–Gloria Steinem

I love that when I get my ass twisted all sideways and knotted up, that I can throw it out there. I can put it out there with my squishy crying face that makes Renee Zellweger look normal, and you guys will just take it. You’ll text me back. You’ll leave a comment. You’ll “like” something.

And the more that I put it out there, the less that I gunnysack it, the less hold it has until suddenly, we’re all laughing at the absurdity and moving on with the day.

I went to sleep with the coughing that hurt my ribs and burned my throat. I used an inhaler and drained the last of the nyquil. (I’ve never actually drained a bottle of nyquil in one sick spell before) and had a small meltdown upon going to sleep. I was thinking of Chris. It comes and goes. For all of us, I’m sure. But last night, it was my turn. I’ll blame a lot of it on the fact that I haven’t had human contact in days and have been hopped up on OTC meds as well and Kikimama has decided to pee on whatever clothing I leave in the floor and I cannot for the life of me get Sammy to refill my damned coffee cup.

But this morning, I was awakened via text messages that told me my friends are in love. Multiple friends. Deserving, absolutely nothing but the best in life, these friends. Happiness abounds! And then I started coughing, and then I picked up my shorts to put on and they had pee on them, and then I kept coughing and started to pee myself, and then I went to make my coffee and it was from the can that we emptied out to put Chris in…

and I lost it.

Just fucking dropped my basket.

But in a nanosecond I had support from my phone coming through, and I’m blaming most of my mood on Sense & Sensibility from yesterday when I get this:

“Jane Austen was a dumb bitch. You cannot tell me otherwise”

I laughed so hard and then sneezed all over my keyboard.

That. Right there.

That’s what I love.

Is it friday? I can never remember if we’re thankful today or if we love today. Cindy keeps me in line with that.

Whatever it is…Love Friday/Thankful Thursday/WTFDAYISIT?…

I hope you laugh today. And if you can do it without sneezing or coughing to the point that a little tee tee comes out?

All the better, my friend! All the better!

I tried.

I did try. I got up, took a shower, began to get ready and almost passed out.

wooooozy.

I figured that it would be better to not collapse while doing my client’s hair, even though she is a best good friend…she might not want her bangs that way.

So. I called the salon and moved my appointments.

I’m so tired of being off schedule. I’m tired of being sick, running temperature, coughing to the point that I pee my pants. Don’t laugh assholes. It’s happened. More than twice. I’m sick of not being able to stay ahead with school, I feel like I’ve skated by this semester and am not doing my best. I feel like my clients are getting annoyed with me, and the time that I’ve taken off thus far.

I’m cranky. I’m ready to feel better and get back to living.

Today, while it was a balmy 70 something degrees outside, I did do some preliminary work on a paper that’s due next week. If I do it right, I will have successfully merged William Blake, Bull Durham, and three specific characters from 18th Century British Literature. We’ll see.

I also watched Sense & Sensibility.

I’ve never seen it before.

Any version.

I’ve never read any Jane Austen before.

Seriously. quit making that face. I can see you. and yeah yeah I know. English major. bla bla bla. It is what it is, ok?

The movie was lovely. I fell more in love with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman than I thought possible.

I also filled out the paperwork to apply for a scholarship given by my hometown’s education foundation.  I have to get a two tiny bits of information and then it will be ready to mail tomorrow.

I learned today, that I will know by March 9th, if my submission to this  gets passed on to the second round of auditions. It was spur of the moment, prompted by Kizz, edited by Guyser and sent in in the final hour. So…we’ll see.

I started watching Luther. Good grief, but does the BBC do NOTHING WRONG?

It’s a mini-series. The first two are on Netflix right now with a third to air on BBC this year sometime. Sweet merciful manly accent solving the crimes…sigh.

I also decided today, while generally feeling sad and sorry for myself, and seeing all the great things happening to my friends, vacations, money, generally living without much stress…I decided that I am the American version of this guy:

 

I think I need to figure out a way to get across the pond.

They have doctorate programs there…right? I could do that. I could.

i’m alive.

fever was 101.7-102.8 yesterday but finally broke last night. sweaty messy uck.

much love to Kathy who brought soup and a new thermometer to drop on my porch while she was out yesterday. it saved my life to be sure.

i’m going to go in to the salon and do two clients this afternoon then come home. I feel fine, weak, and a cough that is so severe it burns in the middle of my bosoms, but I think a hot shower and some protein will help that. class today is just going over assigned readings, and our professor is away at a conference. so I’ve sent an email and will just promise everyone to be a better student and stylist and friend next week.

i wish i felt good enough to do laundry. I went through eleventy million pieces of clothing yesterday. too cold. too sweaty. coughing juice everywhere. ugh. so that’s piled up. the dishes are stacked in the sink. I feel like this house needs airing out and cleansing. it’s supposed to be 80 degrees today, maybe that can happen a little.

in other news it’s Pseudo Sis 2’s birthday. What a year she’s just had. I can’t wait to see what adventures come her way this year. All good things I wish for you my dear. All good things.

That’s it for me, ya’ll. I need more hot tea and I need to stand in a hot scalding shower. I’m so gross the cats are on the other couch.