I’m so thankful for the weather. Mark and I kind of tease about having seasonal depression disorder but sometimes I just think it’s true. I need some sunshine, I need some fresh air and outside glory to flow into my house.
It was a perfect Sunday morning at Brokedown Palace. We sat around the table with friends and listened to Carter Sampson sing about being the Queen of Oklahoma until late last night, so we slept in this morning. Coffee and CBS Sunday morning followed by some cajun brunch made it all the better. What with all the New Orleans being all over the television I got a taste for some of my delicious gumbo. That got put on the list this week.
This afternoon I’m meeting with Julie and Heather to knock off more of our punch list for Listen To Your Mother: OKC and that’s exciting. I’m making notes, now and Mark and I brainstormed on a few things last night.
I think once our meeting is finished, I’ll finish a few chores around the house and head down to Norman to start working on our LTYM stuff, watch the Super Bowl and just gear up to begin the week.
It was a really long week. Death does that to time. Just drags it out, like swimming in syrup. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers…As all of us know the real work and support and heartbreak is just beginning…
Mark and I are up to the task. He and I, in our own ways, understand some individual elements of what this process entails. So, we’ll all just be mindful and work on it as best we can to see that his sis is okay.
I’ve been home for about an hour and having not been here this week I’ve cleaned up some cat mess, cat vomit, defended my saltine snack from Sammy, had a little wine, started the dishes and laundry. I’ve got a LTYM:OKC meeting here tomorrow and some plans with friends tonight.
I need to polish the house a bit…I know the sheets are clean because I haven’t been here all week. However, the fridge is full of old food that I prepped last weekend, the trash needs be taken out, the vacuum needs running.
Homework is ever present…as is the reality of graduation happening in the summer rather than the spring. That’s a whole nuther story but it’s on my mind. Heavily.
On the plus side, it’s in the upper 60’s here, the sun has been shining all day and there’s pizza, friends and great music in my near future.
Mark’s brother-in-law lost his fight with Fucking Cancer this week. It was, as it always is, just bullshit from the get go. It’s not really my story to tell here, but as we all know, this kind of thing just sucks.
I’ve been in Norman every night, spending time with family, being together, and that part has been lovely.
Last night, I dreamed crazy. I dreamed about school. I dreamed about being so far behind on writing my thesis. I dreamed about not graduating until the Fall and everything just falling apart. I dreamed about this assignment we have for my Shakespeare class…
I had emailed my professor with questions about this last night and then dreamed that his reply…well his reply was nothing that I could do. It had tons of information, tons of stuff to help me…if I were Chris. I kept looking over the paper, and saw prompts that would make the assignment easier and I kept saying, “But I don’t know that episode of the Simpsons. I didn’t watch the X-Files. Dr. Who has never been on my television. Chris would know this. Chris could do this.”
It was like that all night long.
Cindy’s post today was really on point. “It doesn’t get easier…” It really is a relief, I think. . . to know that. Of course, the interpretation of “easier” is up for grabs…just depends on your journey.
The closer we get to February, the more I’ve been thinking about him. About Cindy. About that day, about that trip with Amy and how it is still just so raw. I guess I too, have been waiting for it to get easier. This week has just kind of peeled back the scab.
I was thinking this week about Mark’s sister. I was thinking about having lived an entire life with someone…only to have another entire life ahead without them.
I was thinking about my friends who are on this path already…some many steps ahead of the other but walking it, nonetheless.
The list is just way too long.
Today I’m paying bills, reading more homework and heading to class. I didn’t go on Tuesday. My place was in Norman. So I’ve got some catching up to do. A little time in the salon with clients, then load the car, feed the livestock and head back down.
I’ve said for years, “You never have to do this day over again.”
Eventually something shifts and it becomes, “You never get to do this day over again.”
We’re somewhere in the middle this week, and that’s okay.
Sunday night I sat at the Depot wedged between people that I love, and the minute that Gretchen Peters opened her mouth, everything I’d been carrying with me just dissipated and I was instantly lighter. The bulk of the week, the emotion of the weekend all of it immediately dissolved and I was at once in a moment of magic.
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I’d had a little bit of a pity party this weekend, and since there really was no good reason, we can just blame it on the full moon. For whatever reason, I felt a little lonely. I wished for my friends. I wished for my friends to be in Norman, to be in my circumference, to be close. I always wished for a “plus one” so that I could “couple” with my friends…and that has happened maybe once thus far…Don’t get me wrong. I’m not laying out a big guilt trip for those who read. I’m well aware of the busy and the children and the schedules and the Life that requires planning. Lord, am I aware. I’m merely just laying out there the shape that my psyche was in.
Are we still blaming it on the moon?
Maybe I should blame it on the weather.
The weather was gorgeous. Unseasonably gorgeous. Mark was at the Depot setting up for the show. I was at the house ostensibly doing my reading homework…yet I was not. I was wallowing in the ridiculous…and took it out on my bangs. I put Urban Cowboy on, turned it up and sang along. I love that movie. I love those songs. I’m unapologetic for my love of country music. Mainstream country, Old School country, I don’t care. It’s part of my fabric. It’s part of my quilt. I was emotional, and the Bloody Mary was delicious and before I knew it I had cut the everlivingbejeasus out of my poor, friendless bangs.
I’m not mad about it.
I wasn’t mad then.
But I was feeling lonely.
I’m going to blame it on the music actually. The movie AND the music. Lotta memories wrapped up in that package.
Bangs!
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Last week George Strait came through town on his final tour. The Cowboy Rides Away, and after a lifetime of seeing him at the Myriad every October with Audra, layer after layer of memory and tears, we went to listen, to clap and sing and say good-bye. This year however, we took our sisters with us. The four of us. All in a row.
My sis has her own hectic life, choc full of children and a husband and family and work. Her escape is reading these days, and for her, this was a weekend of uninterrupted words. Staying up late, no drinks to get for anyone, no snacks to fix. All her. Only her. I was so happy she was here.
Now, I go see live music a lot. From the time I could drive, that’s what I’ve spent my money on. Audra and I would pile in and drive to the City and land in an audience of whoever. Or we would head down to Lloyd Noble or the Myriad. We’ve seen big names, little names and a Beatle. My sister has not. Not really. And raising two rowdy boys doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to run off to a music festival. Tae kwan do lessons don’t always allow for today’s ticket prices.
It was even more special for me, to see her enjoy the show. To see it all through her eyes. As we were getting ready, we listened to George tell us how good we looked in love. We put on our boots and headed out for our possibly first ever Sister’s Weekend.
Red Boots!
The night was magic.
We danced in our chairs. We sang at the top of our lungs. We watched as a woman pert near 75 years old told a much younger, much drunker, obnoxious concert goer standing in front of her seat to “SIT DOWN. I CAN’T SEE THROUGH YOUR. FAT. ASS.”
I was both amazed and a little afeared. There she sat with her perfectly coiffed white hair and her pocketbook in her lap, her sister sitting quietly next to her. The drunk girl got kicked out. We were all relieved. Seriously, she was That Drunk Girl. I’m glad she went elsewhere. I told Taryn, “that’s probably going to be us someday. But you’ll be the one screaming for her to sit down. I’ll just sit back and watch the shitshow.”
We laughed. Oh how we laughed.
Me and my Sisser
Martina McBride sang to us about broken wings and concrete angels. We all sang about Independence Day and as Maggie said at intermission “hit every single note as if it were my own.” George took us to Marina del Rey, we blamed it on Mexcio and much to our chagrin *we sang right along to all of the Pure Country songs.
*ahem. Taryn. ahem*
Best Friends Forever
When the cowboy finally did ride away, we’d been given over three hours of music, we were choking back tears and waving goodbye as if he could see each and every one of us.
If only I would have known, if only I’d have been as nostalgic in my 20’s as I am in my 40’s…maybe I’d have kept every ticket stub, or written down all the dates, or collected every shirt. As it stands, what I have are memories. Memories of my best friend, Ropers and Wranglers, holding hair and sneaking backstage. Added to that, I have this night, full of sisterly love. The cowboy gave us a great show before he rode away. A great show.
Oh The Concerts We Have Seen
When she left that Sunday to head back home, she said “if you see anyone else coming get us tickets! I’ll come back!”
The magic…she got a taste of it.
Sisters
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Gretchen Peters is an award winning musician and song writer.
She wrote Independence Day, and when Martina recorded it, she won Song of the Year.
She sang it Sunday night after a year of taking it out of rotation.
I’m ever so grateful.
I loved everything that came out of her mouth that night.
She sang, and I sang, and and looking down at the hand holding mine I knew that I was in a place that was safe and secure. There would be no shenanigans from the past come to hurt us anymore. There was only to be honesty and trust. I looked over and saw Marks mom, who had snuck in from her post out front where she spends most every show working. She was watching and listening and taking it all in.
There’s no age limit on the magic of it all, is there?
I looked over at Brad and Lisa, my friends, our friends who were as emotionally engaged as we were with every note. . . I looked at all of us and knew in my heart that I wasn’t alone.
I never had been.
This man. This man I love.
And maybe it was the weather,
and maybe it was the moon.
But I’m going to go ahead and blame it on the music.
I’ve had so many things to write about running through my head as of late. Stories, details of evenings with family and friends, quips and worries about school and work. None of it seems to make it out of my brain and onto the blog lately.
It’s cold here. We have vacillated from Spring-like temps, to bitter cold, back up to crazy 70’s on Monday. My allergies are amuck. But it’s nice to get these reprieves. I’ve been trying to get my brain to start tracking and focusing on a strict schedule of studying and reading and writing. That hasn’t happened yet. We’re two weeks into the semester. It’s time. That’s my goal for the weekend.
LTYM:OKC is happening on schedule. The first press release went out this week and next week more information will be coming and I’ll be once again, asking you all to share it with everyone you know!
I’ve had the privilege of spending some time with my friends this past week or so. I’ve missed you. I’m actively missing you. Missing time with you. I feel better after seeing you. Laughing, talking. All of it.
This weekend is work, homework, hopefully some friend time and then on Sunday night we have the Gretchen Peters show at the Depot. I’ll enjoy all of it.
The week was spent getting used to the new schedule. I’m only officially on campus Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for my one class. But Monday afternoons are now set aside for Thesis meetings. And next week begins the workload in terms of that. My class, (it’s so hard to grasp it’s my Only class and my Last class) is AWESOME!!!!
This guy, yeah. Everything I’ve heard is true. He COULD make Chaucer interesting. I’m not much for the old guys. . . Milton, Chaucer et. al. But I do believe he could make it something I’d love. Shakespeare is my fav, and thinking back this is the first Shakespeare class I’ve had since undergrad days in Ma’s class. I’m excited. I know nothing about the history plays, and this professor is going to take us on a journey, incorporating not only the literature and the history but skills in critical thinking and writing as well. Things I haven’t known until this semester.
I’ve received emails confirming that the applications to the ph.d programs had arrived safe and sound and were being processed. So there’s that.
Tonight my sister arrives for our girl weekend. We’ll bang some hair. We’ll do a little shopping tomorrow after I get off work, then tomorrow night we’ll all converge downtown for the (allegedly) final George Strait concert! All of my favorite people will be there and I’m just excited for some fun times.
We’ve made great progress with LTYM:OKC. Dates are set and will be announced next week! Press releases are going out, the word will be official and I’m counting on all of you to help spread it! Are you following our blog to keep up to date? If not, PLEASE DO!
The sun is shining this morning. Tomorrow’s temperatures are soul healing. I’m ready. I’m so ready.
Mark and I worked on our Spring calendars last night. I love that we’re both built the same way when it comes to this. There are some concerts that are coming our way to decide on, my conference in New Mexico that we’re going to in a few weeks, depot shows, and I don’t have school dates on there yet.
Some things are definite.
Some things are flexible, depending on how we’re feeling.
I like that we both live that way and understand when it gets to be too much we can scratch things off.
I just checked my tracking numbers. One of my ph.d apps has been delivered and signed for. The other one is en route.
EN ROUTE!
***both packages were delivered and signed for this morning!!!
Time to switch gears and set my sights on the first day of classes! My LAST CLASS. I can’t even wrap my head around that at this point! I’m so excited!
I love getting my syllabus and my books or class packet. I love getting the schedule set and get my brain wrapped around what’s coming my way. I’m ready to dive into the thesis…I have to admit I have anxiety about that. Because I’ve surrounded myself with some hardcore committee members. They will make me a better writer. A better student. A better ph.d candidate and eventually a better teacher. But it doesn’t come without some level of “holycrap anxiety”
I’m still feeling happy from the forward motion made on LTYM:OKC yesterday. I’m excited to begin the process of garnering sponsorship and donors. I’m excited to begin the process of getting the word out via local media. I’m excited.
I finished all the bits and pieces of my ph.d program applications. I refined, and tuned, I printed and printed again. I put everything in nice little manilla envelopes and took them to the sending place and paid some money so that both packages will be delivered to the Graduate School Offices by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
The final bits that are out of my control such as official transcript requests, letters of recommendation, GRE scores have been requested, have been sent, are in the process of…It’s finished.
As I walked out of the sending place, leaving what was essentially two envelopes of my soul, …it was all very Julia Roberts in Notting Hill…
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a ph.d program.
Asking them to love her.
…as I walked back to my car I was overcome by a profound sense of peace. Ok. Here we go. If they don’t want me, if neither program admits me…we will know that it’s not time for me to do this…yet…if ever. And I will get on with figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing. I felt a sense of calm, and a dissipation of this, this…presence that had been with me since I began This Grad School Thing.
Ok. Well…then okay.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts, a lot of words whirling around in my head. Combined with the questions that I’m fielding from everyone else…it’s been kind of cluttered. So much of this part of this year is up in the air for me. For a person that craves stability…it’s not comfortable. However…I realized that I’ve been focused on the endgame. The unknown place where I’ll wind up. How will I get there? When will I know? I realized today, that my focus has solely been on getting to the finish line with so many of these things…and I mean to change that. I think by sending off those manilla envelopes that weighed less than half a pound each, that I began the process. I could have really missed out on the joy that’s becoming self evident every day had I not had the realization.
I wasn’t just doing this with the ph.d program. I was doing it with everything. I was focused on my relationship and the endgame and listening to all the questions about “when are you moving in together…are you going to move to Norman…are you going to get married…what will you do when…what would you do if…” I know these are posed with the best of intentions. It’s a good thing that’s happening here. I don’t know the answers to these questions, and though I come from a long line of women who fall under the category of “when you know, you know, so why wait” this is my thing. It’s Our thing. And we’ll let you know as soon as there’s anything to tell. In the meantime…I’m happy. I’m not going to spend my minutes focused on the what if, and when. Life is good. Here. Now. Right now. And that’s enough.
I wasn’t just doing it with the ph.d. program and my relationship either…LTYM:OKC has been weighing on my heart since I got word that we were selected to produce a show. I’ve been working and muddling and worrying and trying…and really the endgame is going to be amazing. But this journey is going to be an experience that I know…I KNOW will be forever changing. I don’t want to miss out on any part of it. I don’t want to get mired down in the muck and forget why we are doing this.
Finding your voice. Finding the empowerment that comes with your voice. Our voice. It may well be my life’s work. Helping others to find their voice. Empowering those voices. Giving them a platform and the cheers and the courage necessary to share that voice. I believe in this. From the bottom of my heart I believe in this.
Getting permission, getting validation, seeking comfort and sharing your story…that’s what this experience is about. And the opportunity to be changed, to be moved, to experience grace…that doesn’t only happen the day of the performance. There is possibility in every day.
Mark your calendars for Sunday, May 5th, 2013. We’ll see you at Will Rogers Theatre, here in the heart of my hood, in OKC. We finalized the details for our local charity that is Infant Crisis Services. I cannot tell you how much love I have for this organization.
Everyday Grace.
That’s what happens there. It’s what happened today. I won’t be surprised at all if we see a little tomorrow, too.
Today was a good day. Tomorrow I’m back in class. Tomorrow I tackle the big things like initial Thesis research and readings.
But you know what? That’s ok.
Because I cleared some space today. I put away a few things, I made some room for new. Forward motion, ya’ll…
I’ve been working on Listen To Your Mother this past week and a half. Securing a venue was what I thought would be one of the easiest steps in our process. Turns out, I thought incorrectly. I’m amazed at how many places here just don’t want to do business, to take my money, to give any kind of customer service. Amazed.
No worries though. Today is a brand new day, there is another list to work through, I’ve got a meeting set with our platform that is Infant Crisis Services this afternoon. Things are coming along nicely. We’ll be prepared to begin accepting submissions by the first of next month, our audition and rehearsal space is secure, this fabulous team that I’m working with is just clicking and ticking and supporting so well it’s chill-inducing.
Yesterday I sent a random text to Heather, and was met with the most fabulous supportive words in return. I KNEW she was one of the nice ones! I knew it last year, I know it this year. Julie has been turning and burning and sending information to us from her corner of the thin mint world. Thank the LORD for technology. Seriously.
I’m THIS CLOSE to being finished with my applications to ph.d programs. I will overnight both envelopes probably tomorrow to ensure they are in the proper place by Tuesday.
The uncertainty of it all is kind of wearing on me. Not having answers is, for me, an uncomfortable experience. It seems like this is the year that everything is up in the air. The year of The Question.
What’s next after graduation? What’s next? Are you going to move to Norman with Mark? Are you going to still do hair? Will you take your cats? What about the cats? Does his house have enough room for your stuff? Are you going to stay at your salon? What will you do if you’re driving to Stillwater every day? Will you sell your house? Will you rent it? Will you just drive from wherever you’re living or move there? Are you going to try to adjunct teach between graduation and the fall? What if you don’t get accepted to either program? What will you do then?
These are all questions that have been asked of me. Not even by MY own voices either! And my answer is the same.
I. Don’t. Know.
And any of you that know me know that a trigger spot in my psyche is stability. Security. Don’t we crave those things we feel like we haven’t had? Or want it in another form? So this…limbo…is an interesting place to find myself. There’s a lesson to be learned here…for sure.
Here are the things that I DO know.
I’m going to apply to programs and then start walking in faith. Don’t roll your eyes at me. You don’t have to have any faith in anything. This is my deal, right? 🙂
I’m going to begin to entertain ideas, possibilities of adjunct teaching.
I worked really hard to get my cosmetology license so I don’t intend to let it go anytime soon.
Hair is the only thing bringing in money right now. I have no intentions of quitting that anytime soon either, though the endgame is to NOT retire from this industry.
I grew up in El Reno. I drove at least 40 minutes on any day to get anywhere. I have a good car. If I’m driving, well people commute every day. I’ll get a better radio. Motor on.
When the time comes to decide about this house, and I’ve been told that right NOW is the time to sell…I’ll let you know. I’ve had people approach me about renting it. Or I could sell it. No advancement has been made in this area and until that happens, the cats and I are all just fat and sassy at Brokedown Palace. Home of the continuous catnap and occasional meltdown.
If I don’t get accepted to any program…we’ll just jump off of that bridge when we come to it, won’t we?
Right now I’m working on finding a venue. I’m gearing up for classes to begin next week. I’m re-routing my brain to start multi-tasking, managing time to the best of my ability and focusing on the tasks at hand this semester.
Right now, I’m loving being in love. I really don’t want to be anywhere else. It’s a lovely lovely thing to have such support, such ease, such laughter. I think that we’re easing into that steadfast secure place, and that just feeds my soul. Securely. Seriously. I know you’re rolling your eyes now, but I just would rather be in the same room with him, than anywhere else.
Right now, I’m looking forward to seeing my sister for our girls weekend on the 19th, I’m happy that I cleaned out some closets and found an entire rubbermaid tub of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in about a year and a half. They all fit. Whaaaa???
Right now, I’m grateful for this day, I’m happy for this coffee, and I’m blessed to have the time to get things marked off of my list.
LTYM:OKC will come together and I can’t wait to tell you all of our details. Have I told you to keep checking our website? It’s here:
Keep checking for specifics because that’s where we’ll be announcing them!
I’m going to pause now, for some more coffee, and a 250 calorie breakfast. I’m kind of loving those Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches. . . where the Sun Guy gives the granola to the birds and gives the dieting girl the sandwich and then the world is right again? That one. They’re not to bad!
This is my final week of break before the final semester begins. I’ve got several days of house working, LTYM working, ph.d application gathering. (they’re due next Tuesday)
This morning I am sipping coffee, ruminating on the list of things I’d like to get finished today, and understanding that they won’t get finished. Trying to un-wind. Trying to rest without guilt. That’s my goal for today.
However, while I’m doing that, I’ll be emailing, making phone calls and doing some general research on for the LTYM venue, for the applications, for the rest of the week.
As most of the world is back to school, back to work…it seems pretty decadent. I’ll take it.
Misti Ridiculous 