Relationships take work.

I know all of the platitudes, platitudes? Is that the word I want? perhaps…

“it should just be easy”

“if it’s work it’s not love”

“it should just come naturally”

So here’s the deal.

That, ALL of that is bullshit. Absolute one hundred percent BULLSHIT.

Relationships take work. In order for them to be a success, for them to thrive, due diligence must be paid. In this busy world, this thoroughly connected, overly booked world that we’re all living in, you must make a conscious decision to throw a little attention to your relationships. Pick up the phone. Send a text. Mail a card. Write an email. Connect on social media.

And if these connections are coming to you? It is imperative that you make the choice to stop for the five seconds it takes, and respond. Touch back.

I realize that there have been weeks and weeks that I just take take take. I will read a blog post and move on to the next one. I’ll read an email and not respond. Just take.

And that is self serving and if I let it go on long enough, just plain ass rude.

Relationships take work.

They take effort.

They require a choice. A choice to make time, be it five seconds or an entire day, to put that relationship at the top of the list.

I understand life is nuts. I feel like I am perfectly qualified to say that I UNDERSTAND a busy life. I know that it’s easy to take for granted those steadfast people in your rolodex, and push them to the back thinking, “they’ll understand.” And they probably will. We ebb and we flow, don’t we? In every area? It’s human nature.

But at some point, without a little tenderness, a little love, a the actual display of such…things dry up and dissolve. It’s so easy, isn’t it, to just tuck our heads and forge into the fray? Put on our blinders and focus on the endgame.

“as soon as I get this paper written.”

“wait till Spring Break”

“we’ll find some time, sometime…”

I’m so guilty of it. Absolutely. Taking for granted those people that have been in my solar system, rotating around, hanging there patiently waiting for time.

Are you?

Taking into consideration all that we’re all dealing with, trying to navigate this life, this year, this new path, it’s understandable when we get lazy. But the fact of the matter is it hurts to feel ignored. To be shoved to the back of the line. To consistently be denied that time. To be guaranteed 5th place.

This past weekend was exhausting. It really was. But it was worth every second on the road, driving in the rain, coming home and hanging out and watching tv till midnight with friends…totally worth it to throw a little tenderness and attention onto some relationships that I’ve been neglecting.

Time.

It’s infinite in it’s finiteness.

We’re all so aware of it this year.

So my goal, is to keep things flowing instead of ebbing. To be present, to be responsive. To give more than I take.

That kind of work?

Better than winning the lottery.

So.

I got cast!

WOOT WOOT!!!!

If you want to come see me please get your tickets right now. as in yesterday. 

Look, ya’ll…they’re only 18 bucks.

SO. go. get em.

Right now, I have had a weekend full. Full of LIVING THIS LIFE.

Edward Sharpe was absolutely stupidgood. SO GOOD. It was spiritual. We laughed and cried and danced. I recorded two songs that I will attempt to upload. i.e. I will have Trish attempt to upload. We sang, we talked. We came back to our hotel and laughed some more. We danced. We (the grownups…term used loosely) had a night cap(s)

And we talked about living this life. Trish and I BOTH had a crazy lead in to tonight’s event. crazy busy. But as she said, “ya know what? WHY NOT???”

why not indeed.

so. tonight I got cast in a show where I will go speak about not being a mother. and I danced crazy at a venue that for me, is just a spiritual experience. I saw some friends there, and I end this weekend with girls that I love, having seen family that I love, feeling like I’m loved in return.

what more…I ask you?

We’re halfway through the mega weekend…this morning I made pancakes (real ones not microwaved ones) and we’re just sitting around witching nick on tv.

Yesterday was frantic. After working a wedding Friday night, and laughing my ass of with Rach, (it was a wedding for the books, ya’ll. lot’s of laughing) I got up and got on the road Saturday to head to Fayetteville for my 1pm audition. I got there extra early, which was fine with me. I didn’t really know where I was going, and wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to just adjust and be calm and get prepared.

I think the audition went well. I read, my voice was a little shakey with emotion and adrenaline. I got great response from the three women, lots of laughing and good vibes…until…until I got to the part where I state that I am Not a mother. And when I said that I was from OKC. And it was probably my insecure voices. Because we all know those bitches are loud. So. we’ll see.  We find out tonight. Either way, and I’m one hundred percent honest about this, if I don’t get picked to perform I’m fine. It’s the first time someone read my words and said, We Like This. It was an amazing affirmation. It’s like when you write something and get a billion comments. Comments are a warm fuzzy blanket of affirmation.

If I don’t get picked it means no crazy driving to Arkansas for rehearsals and performance. No spending 100 bucks per weekend round trip. That’s cool.

If I do get selected, then equally great. What an honor.It will be an amazing thing, and I have already got plans for Trish and I to submit for OKC to be a venue for next year in Oklahoma City…and for Infant Crisis Center to be our charity.

So. We find out tonight. Onwards and upwards.

I’m about to start bangin hair. But I’m afraid I forgot a brush and a bottle…I may have to run into town and find something at walmart or if there is an ulta or something.

Crisis averted here.

Last night I got to see my sisters new house. it’s BIGGER THAN THE BLUE BANANA!!! I can’t wait for them to get into it and get settled…the holidays are going to be awesome this year.

They have an offer on theirs and we’re all on pins and needles waiting to see if it goes through.

THEIR COUNTER OFFER WAS ACCEPTED! THE STRESS IS OVER!

 

Tonight I head to Tulsa for the Edward Sharpe concert. YAY live music! Trish has been at SXSW this week and is texting me new music that she’s watching. I’m so excited to download all of it and start having new tunes! Which, I just scratched off a code of an itunes gift card and damned if I didn’t scratch too hard and removed half of the number. flop.

what else?

Oh yeah. The Universe is presenting me with several things. I’m taking in a boarder, for a few nights a week for the next 8 weeks. My sister has a student intern at work that is coming to OKC for her school nutrition rotation. She’ll stay with me a few nights and I’ll get some extra cash. I also have another friend who’s looking for a place to stay. We’re going to talk about it tomorrow.

This is good. I have some tax debt to pay coming up. I have a trip to San Diego coming up this year. There’s things I could certainly use the extra cash for.

So. That’s it from here. Hope you’re soaking up some good time this weekend.

After class yesterday, I scrambled around to re-do my application for a teaching assistant position for next Fall. I worked between clients. I attached information above and beyond the requirements. Between clients I ran home, got my USAO transcript and was drove right to the Quick Print that is a few stops down from my salon…closed.

By the time I finished with clients, it was 7:30. And while there was NO cut off time for submissions, by the time I got everything locked and loaded, my information refused to upload and stayed hanging, incomplete, in cyber limbo.

I called the number listed and left a message last night about 8:15 when I finally gave up. I also called and left a message this morning. But it’s the Friday before Spring Break and I’m sure everyone has left the building.

It kind of knocked the wind out of my sails last night. This morning, after a decent night’s sleep with the windows open and my summer blanket on the bed, I’m fine with it. If it doesn’t happen, so be it. It means I won’t have to use one of my class times taking a pedagogy for teaching assistants class. If it does happen, I’ll get to stretch my muscles, get out of my comfort zone and become part of a group. The T.A.’s are a tight knit little community and it would be nice to be a part of that. I bless it and let it go. I take pride in the fact that I didn’t give in to my fear and let the voices win.

But don’t we all have those voices? No matter what the persona we extend to the public, don’t we all have those moments where we just want to curl up under the covers and hide? Cindy commented that she was surprised that I had those fears…but I know that we all do. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. For the most part I’ve conquered them in these 41 years on the planet. But some days…some of those days…BAM. They sneak up and smack you on the ass so hard you kind of expect a kiss afterward.

I suppose the key is to be able to navigate through that quagmire of fear and get to the other side. I don’t think you have to be especially brave, or extraordinarily gifted in deflecting the rejection that goes hand in hand with fear. I think, though, that you do need a tribe of extraordinarily outrageous people, who are especially fearless, waiting for you on the shore, beating the drum, sounding the horn, dancing and clapping and cheering you on.

With that kind of support, who needs a life jacket?

Yesterday in Brit Lit, I was talking to my friend, about assignments and deadlines and future deadlines and classes we’re looking at for the Fall, and he mentioned that he was applying for a teaching assistantship. Which is awesome. He asked me if I was going to and I said Oh Noooo nonononono…Why?

I’m scared. 

He just pish paww’d that answer and started rambling off the things needed to apply. The deadline is tonight.

So, I went to work, and decided to back out of a pizza party in Norman, and came home to begin filling out all of the information. With each section of information that I filled out, I thought, I don’t have a c.v, I haven’t done anything worthwhile in the community, a cover letter, I don’t have that either. . .

I then deleted it.

The thought of teaching, and the workload that goes along with that, (sweet crap, what if I don’t remember the proper use of colons and don’t count off on a paper? I’m no better than the jackals that I took Comp 1 from) the hours teaching, combined with the full time 9 hours of coursework of my own, combined with my salon work…

I deleted it and hid on the couch under the fuzzy blankie so nothing could see me.

——————————————-

The Voices found me.

“you want to TEACH and you’re SCARED to even APPLY???”

“you don’t do anything well now, you want to add another job?”

“a job that you’re not even sure you’re qualified to do???”

“what the hell do you know about teaching freshman composition?”

“you don’t have the wardrobe to teach. that’s going to be expensive.”

——————————————

They were hateful fucking voices, bitch slapping me around no matter how far under the blankie I hid. No escape. None.

And then I went over and talked to some of my friends on FB, and like a fire hydrant on a street corner in August that’s been opened…support. Support came flooding out of my computer, and there I was, soaking wet, saturated to the bone with encouragement.

Oh please kick that bully out. Mine is a real beatch but if I want to survive my situation and still be the best I can be, she has to go, hence the therapy. KICK HER OUT! Be the best you can be. Go on. You can only fail.

you’ll know when you’re ready. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Sleeping on it was smart. Either choice is perfectly valid. Whenever you decide to teach remember that you already teach people all the time, how to teach people is not going to be your obstacle. How not to kick them in the taco when they’re stupid? Well, we all struggle with that.

1. (redacted) teaches comp at OU, and you’re totally more talented than he is (I’ve read his writing, and I’ve read yours, and that’s a seriously objective opinion, because I still want to (redacted), but I don’t want to read any more of his writing, and you don’t (redacted), but I want to read all your shit).

2. With your theatre background, teaching is a breeze. Seriously. I did that shit for three years, on top of 9 hours of grad school every semester, plus 20 hours of research team shit, plus a social life (on weekends only). It can be done! It’s a fucking killer, but it can be done!

3. Mr. Miyagi says, “Is okay lose to opponent! Must not lose to fear!”

 

and the final one:

Bitch. Please.

 

I slept for naught last night. My lower back and hips were for some reason cramping up and throbbing and by the time I took a muscle relaxer, it was 3am. Which meant that I finally slept but my getting up early didn’t happen.

I feel like I fight my demons in my sleep. I do. I’m fighting my fear, fighting my insecurities, fighting The Voices. I toss and turn and dream about my relatives no longer alive. Lately I’ve been dreaming that I go to prison. Usually Ashton Kutcher makes an appearance. I’m as busy at night as I am during the day and while I woke up feeling hungover and immediately began to check off my list the things I wouldn’t get finished before class today…

I also had a sense of peace.

a sense of certainty.

This day is MINE. I fought for it fair and square (or not) last night. And I won. I’m going to get to class, I’m going to get to work and do my clients, I’m going to freshen up my look as well. I’m going to have Audrey and Sean over tonight to help me work on my audition on Saturday, and work on my clothing choices.

And I’m going to finish gathering the information needed, and send in my application for a teaching assistantship.

Many moons ago, when I was a wife, I had…HAD a graduate assistantship to Old Miss. In theatre. I HAD it.

But I gave in to fear, and acquiesced to my then husband, and that dream went away.

I’ll be damned, damned right into a hell full of bad country songs and CeLo Green’s midget arms, if I do it again.

 

Ive been going at all speeds this past week. I’m so happy to feel healthy again that I’ve been making up for lost time. Spontaneous lunches, actually showing up to bible study/book club, getting assignments turned in AHEAD OF SCHEDULE…signs of the zombie apocolypse?

To be sure.

And this week I’ve been riding the waves of feeling creative, feeling excited and feeling lethargic and anxious…

I have an entire list of adult grown up ass things that must be dealt with and ya’ll…

I don’t wanna.

I didn’t even take out the trash last night for this morning’s pickup.

I don’t wanna.

I finally got my head wrapped around the fact that it is ok for me to spend money and hire a yard guy for the season. I’ve been calling around getting estimates. I want my yard done by the time I get home from my getaway this weekend because Monday night I’m grilling out and soaking up some Spring Break.

I’ve applied for scholarships and requested letters of reccomendation and made up a little resume to send with those letters. I want to submit a piece of writing to this Sigma Tau Delta thing…and that’s taking space in my brain

and right about the time I pull up a blank page on the computer to start writing…flop.

I don’t wanna.

I went out and put onions and seeds for kale and two kinds of lettuce in the garden.

So I seem to be balancing the big things I don’t wanna do with little tiny accomplishments. Hhmmph.

Mercury is in retrograde until the first few weeks of April.

There’s some hullabaloo about it on the web.

I choose to blame all of my apathy, my sloth, my irritants and my sad stuff on that.

you can too. I mean, I think it’s a perfectly good excuse.

stupid Mercury Retrograde.

So, my eyes are all gunky. I know it’s because I had cats loving all over me, Stormy especially, and then I rubbed my face like crazy. But they are especially itchy and gunky, and I’m wearing my glasses for awhile. If It doesn’t get better, I’ll hit the clinic on campus again…

But because of my gunky, itchy eyes, I didn’t go to church when M’Lynn text me about it this morning. I slept in. And lost an hour. SO my morning wasn’t productive whatsoever. I did get up and make some coffee and do the dishes and vacuumed the house and organized my books and backpack and hit the library to work on this big ole annotated bibliography that’s due on Wednesday.

As I sat at the table, surrounded by books, researching more leads, listening to my brain whirr and spin at what I’m potentially going to write my final paper over, I was overcome with the most amazing sense of peace and of love. One of those moments when there wasn’t any other stress, I wasn’t worried about bills or money. No nagging voices about who I need to spend some time with, and who I’m letting down. No worries about future commitments and a month that is already so packed with other things, concerts, bartending shifts, travels, birthdays, and due dates that I get a little anxiety when I see the calendar.

Just peace.

And I knew I was in the right place.

And that feeling, and sense of accomplishment over an assignment that is complete was just what I needed. It fills the spaces left empty by the other stuff that gnaws it’s way through my life.

Hope you have a moment of two like that in you future.

This was originally the weekend that Chrome was going to fly into KCMO and we were to gather at the house and soak up some time with Chris and Cindy.  .  .

It seems strange, the previously scheduled plans, and knowing now what we know about time and it’s infinite finite-ness.

I kept the time blocked on my schedule at work and am going to hit the road for a night of live music with Trish. We’re heading to Denton to see The Mountain Goats and whoever else is playing. Back tomorrow to work on my big giant annotated bibliography that is due Wednesday. I’m thankful for this quick little getaway. I’m thankful that I feel alive and well and get to do it.

Last night I did a spur of the moment sit in on some comedy. My sweet friends are so talented and I miss them. I miss being a part of the audience where they make me laugh and feel good.

I spoke my urgent need to have some quality time to one of the guys and his reply was:

“I am scared to death that I’ll miss my chance to be with the people I love the most because I’m doing things that don’t matter with people who also don’t matter. Let’s be aware and make some sweet ass memories!”

I totally get that. One hundred percent.

So, I know I’ve got to balance some finances and get more working done at the salon, I know I’ve got to get some real progress made on the assignments that are rapidly coming due, but for tonight, I’m going to back my car, pick up my friend and get away.

Yeah yeah, life is SO BUSY. and I’m SO TIRED. We all are. We are. But for me, I gain energy and light by scheduling time and making things a priority. Which, when I fail at planning, or my homework has to come first and I have to back out on plans, or when I get so sick I can’t get out and play…it makes me crazy with the awful guilty fatigue.

So, on the moments that I DO actually get it right? I can get the car loaded get some time away with friends who lift me up, get back in time to keep my other life functioning?

You bet your ass I’m going to do it.

I’m not going to spend the rest of my days, scheduled or not, bemoaning the fact that I need more time. I mean, we all do, right? But we get what we get. It’s finite and absolutely not guaranteed.

I hope that you get some time this weekend, to spend with friends and people you love, or to snuggle down by yourself and have some quiet…whatever you do be aware of it. Use it wisely.

Happy Friday, ya’ll

My Fitzgerald/Hemengway class is making me absolutely nuts.

We rarely touch on the actual literature itself. We listen to the teacher talk about his fancy life interviewing movie stars, he goes off on tangents and rarely circles back.

I have already written this class off as a “well at least I’ve read some of their works” kind of thing.

Sorely disapointed.

Our “research project” was assigned a few weeks ago. He had a list of topics and read them out one by one and we raised our hands to pick. Not knowing the full list. Just kind of willy nilly, I’ll take that one…ugh.

I chose Zelda’s Art.

Seemed to be an easily accessible topic, right?

Mmmmmmm not so much. I know I’ve only just started looking, but the book that I apparently need, NO ONE HAS. Not the metro library systen, certainly not the university library. I can’t change my topic, I’ve already asked.  Im not going to buy the book, I’m not interested enough to have it on my shelf right now.

GAH.

Just annoyed and needed to vent.

I had really high hopes for this class.

Yesterday was the most gorgeously perfect day we’ve had all year. Upper 70’s, clear skys, just beautiful. I stayed inside all day long. I would have loved a bike ride, or a walk or to finally get my seeds and onions planted…but I’m still coughing to the point that I get woozy and the thought of being outside, and having my allergies kick up again…I stayed inside all day long.

I wrote my midterm essay for British Lit. We don’t have an exam in this class, so this essay carries more weight than a normal reader response paper. I feel pretty good about it and I got it sent to my professor for notes with time to get it back and revise it before it’s due Wednesday. He’s the most graceious being. He really is an advocate for the student. He’s got the most generous heart. I have such appreciation for this man, and for his brain and his ability as an educator. Once I finally figure out my thesis topic, I’m going to ask him to be on my committee.

In the middle of writing, I got an email that made me a little giddy…

That piece that I submitted for performance in the Listen To Your Mother open mic? Well, I got passed along to the second round of auditions. I go to Fayetteville on the 17th for a live audition. I have to admit, I’m excited. It was a last minute thing, totally copying off of Kizz and then begging for editing from Guyser, and while it means some trips to Arkansas, it’s 40 minutes away from my family and…well…my writing has been passed on to the second round of auditions!!!!! I’m excited. Feels good.

Feels good to be finished with the paper early, feels good to have things falling into place.

I’m checking things off of my list.

I have an entire guest bed full of clean laundry. (Assuming Stormy isn’t sprawled out right in the middle of it) I need to get that together. This morning, I need to go mail my scholarship application, get some food in the crockpot for the week, do some banking and pay bills. Last week was just a write off, so I’ve got catching up to do. I’m ready to feel better, ready to get back to life.

Happy Monday, ya’ll.